I'm Back!!!

The sun is shining, birds are chirping, and I am smiling.  I have missed writing so much over the past few months.  I visited a new church this weekend and the pastor said, "if you are really good at excuses you are probably not good at anything else."  I am REALLY good at making excuses. 

One of my dreams has been publishing a book.  I have allowed fear and doubt to keep me from at the very least getting "my story" on paper.  I thought it would be appropriate that my first post for 2013 should be an excerpt from my untitled never to be finished book.  Tell me what you think...it starts off sad, but I know there will be a happy ending.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it.”     Isaiah 30:21

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I am worn out and tired having been handled far too roughly by this world.  I resemble one of those dirty and torn dollar bills that a clerk slyly passes to you during a transaction.  Sure the money is still useful and has value, but you hide it in the bottom of your wallet ashamed of its ugliness. Who is to blame for my condition?  I have wasted years grieving over painful situations and people I believe failed me.  I am tortured day and night by the fact that this is not how it was supposed to be. Just like that tattered dollar, perhaps I would be more comfortable tucked away and hidden.  The darkness of the pit calls out to me and so I take the slightest movement over the edge.  As I close my eyes and breathe deeply, I hear sweet voices calling out to me.  Should I trust their words of comfort and love, or disappear into oblivion?  Far in the distance, I recognize the familiar steps along the dark roads that I have traveled.  Fearing I would not survive, I have moved through all of my days with a frantic rush anticipating my breakthrough just around the bend.  Now as I stand at the end, I discover that I missed the lessons that were hidden in each experience.  Can I go back and reconnect the dots of my fragmented journey and have it all make sense?   Do I release the past and move forward hoping that I am stronger and wiser simply because I have survived? This is my final goodbye to what might have been as I claim what IS.  The person that I created has been stripped bare of everything. And yet, I have been given a precious gift…a second chance for it all to be different.  This is the beginning of me.

ONE WORD

The presents have all been opened.  Precious relatives have returned home.  My excuse for binge eating has disappeared.  It is official...another Christmas has come and gone.  I feel full with contentment.  And yet, uneasiness seems to be standing on the sidelines whispering....work is coming, bills have to be paid, decisions need to be made, weight has to be lost, changes are coming...are you ready?  I am stuck between looking back over the past year with regret OR facing the unknown of the future filled with anxiety.  I stumbled upon a suggestion in a magazine article that has brought me a bit of peace.

In the January issue of Guideposts magazine, author Debbie Macomber reveals a yearly tradition.  She writes:
Every year I choose one word to focus on and live by.  These words have comforted me, challenged me and brought me closer to God.  They have changed me.  I've used them in my prayers, written about them in my journals, and discussed them with my friends. 

One year the author was struggling with her weight and she chose the word HUNGER.  When she was facing marital struggles she chose PRAYER.  She allowed those words to shape her daily walk with God and the lessons she learned touched every area of her life.  By the end of the article, MY WORD washed over me.  My anxiety was quickly replaced with a sense of awe and excitement about what God was going to reveal to me in the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

I began to ask the people in my life to reveal the word they would choose. Each and every one of them instantly shared what I believe was a need from deep inside of them.  The challenge is not coming up with the word, but is refusing to lose our focus when life begins to overwhelm us.  Write the word on paper and post it around your home.  Speak the word in your prayers and meditate on what it would look like if you allowed that word to change you. Open your heart to how God is speaking to you and really listen.

In 2012, whenever I start to lose my way I am certain that one word will put me back on the path of healing and discovery.  I will let you know what I uncover along the way....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

WHAT IS YOUR WORD FOR 2012?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

I stood back to admire my creative vision. The lights were  magically twinkling, the cherished ornaments had been hung with love, and the professionally created bows sat atop the freshly cut tree.  I imagined sitting in front of a roaring fire and soaking in the peace and joy of the holiday season.  Even though I once again find myself facing a challenge in my world (big suprise) the tree represented the beaty that is always present even in the midst of struggle.  I curled up under a blanket on the couch and admired the vibrant reds and golds that sparkled....ahhhhhh.

From the catwalk on the second floor I glanced at my Christmas masterpeice and a wave of doom washed over me.  I angled my head and squinted my eyes to confrim the sad truth...from where I stood...without a doubt...the tree was leaning to the right.  A LEANING CHRISTMAS TREE!!!  Where had I gone wrong?  Was the tree heavier on one side?  Was it going to fall over and ruin all my glass trinkets?  Should I start over from the beginning?  Was it a tree defect that could not be fixed?  I walked away trying to calm my nerves and soon realized that from every other angle the tree was straight. It was only from that one specific spot that an imperfection was revealed.  I moved on to decorate the mantle and hang the wreath on the door, but somehow I kept going back to the one vantage point of the "leaning tree."  The days passed and friends and family came to visit. I would quickly point out to them that athough it might look like the tree was crooked it actually was fine if you stood straight in front of it.  Then I would place them in the exact location where they needed to stand in order to prove that what I was saying was the truth.

 Do you ever examine your life and make a list of all the things you wish you could change?  Do you catalog the relationships, thoughts, and emotions that don't line up with the vision you had for yourself?  I celebrate the fact that although I make a living as a teacher, it is the role of student that keeps me in a constant state of discovery.  We don't ever have to stay stuck in a place of pain or sadness.  Through the word of God, prayers, love, friendships, and rest we can get a fresh perspective on our lives. God can lead us to the place where we need to dwell in order to receive all of His riches. Just like that sad spot on the top of my stairs, we often go back to the same places that have caused us the most pain.  God desires to give us all a fresh look, a new perspective, and HOPE for our futures. 

For the rest of Decemeber you will find me in a darkened room sitting in front of my beautiful Christmas tree.  May you find the exact location that allows you to soak in the beauty that is ever present in your own life.

LESSON PLANS

My trackout is coming to an end this week.  I was up at 3 AM thinking about ways to teach my 7th graders about the Middle East, pronouns, how to write an essay, and strengthen their reading comprehension.  Sometimes I feel as if teaching is like a Broadway show and I get caught up in creating a flashy presentation.  I imagine myself accepting an award for best original lesson plan in the category of nonfiction genre and get goose bumps all over.  Yesterday, I was reminded of what every child's hidden desire truly is...they want to be cherished.

I arrived at school to pick up my son and neighbor at a service club meeting and ran into a few of my students.  We greeted each other like long lost friends as we shared what had been going on in our lives over the past few weeks.  When I caught the eye of a boy across the room chatting with his friends I was unsure whether I should acknowledge him...he broke into a huge smile and waved his hand overhead like he was hailing a helicopter.  I walked away with butterflies in my stomach reassured that I did not need to spend hours creating the perfect lesson.  In fact, sometimes I need to throw my plans in the trash and talk to the young people that I have been blessed to meet.  I want to learn about their thoughts, desires, and struggles.  I want to remember the color of their eyes along with their end of grade test scores.  Sometimes it is the fear of our own inadequacies that keeps us from really connecting with those people in our lives.  When we make our jobs and relationships more about the people that we serve and not about our own success, I believe we will find a deeper enjoyment and contentment from how we spend the hours of our day. 

I guess I can stop working on the costumes and puppet show I was going to create in order to teach some simple grammar rules.  The acceptance speech for my teacher/mother/wife/human being of the year can be put aside for now.  My focus must shift away from me in order to show the people in my world that they are cherished.  My break from work has been wonderful but I am eager to see my students and resume our learning adventure together.  Talk to me in a couple of weeks when 90 middle schoolers have beaten me down...Ha Ha! 

A PRAISE FOR CREATION

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14



I just got back from New York where I spent the last three days celebrating and planning for the arrival of my nephew Rocco.  My sister LeeAnn and her husband Beau are having their first child in a few weeks.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I held my newborn babies in my arms and marveled at the miracle of life.  As I placed my hand on Lee's pregnant belly, I just kept saying, "how is there a baby in there?"  

Praise comes so easily from us as we are welcoming a precious baby into our family. But as the years go by we tend to forget that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  I don't feel all that wonderful as I am wrestling to put on a pair of spanx and slide into a skirt that has become just a tad snug.  The miracle of Jake is forgotten when he tells me at 9:00 at night that he forgot to work on a project that is due the next day.  As I battle illness and watch others I love suffer, I don't feel much like praising God for his creations.  And yet, praise is exactly what I need to take down the doubt that secretly lingers at every turn.

Psalm 139 goes on to say...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Not only was our creator personally involved in the formation of our bodies, but an account has already been made of every breath.  What a comfort that we can rest in the knowledge that we are so loved and cherished.  I anticipate that I will shed tears of gratitude when I hold Rocco in my arms for the first time, but in this moment I celebrate the beautiful tapestry that is my life.  Every single moment, even the dark days, will come together to create something beautiful.  Often I am so caught up in every little thread and detail that I cannot see the bigger work that will one day be complete.  I am so grateful that I don't have to worry about the final product as I remind myself that His works are wonderful I know that full well!



Beau and Lee show off their bellies!!!



 

YOU ROCK!!!

Matt and the boys play a game whenever they are in the car together.  Spotting a red, blue, and the rare yellow car are worth a certain amount of points.  Just like putting on your seat belt, Grant believes that this activity is now mandatory for anyone riding in our vehicle.  It is hard trying to have a conversation while your son is screaming out, "yellow one, red one, another red one, blue one..." I have long since given up on the game and just praise Grant that he is so far ahead in the point total. 

This morning at 8:00 AM sharp I left to take Jake, Grant and our neighbors to the elementary and middle school down the street.  I was barely awake and paid little attention to the competition of one that was going on in the back seat.  As we pulled up to a stop light a line of about 10 yellow buses came into view across the street.  Grant quickly shouted out, "yellow school bus" 10 times and then with a little fist pump whispered to himself, "Yes, I rock!"  I could not help but laugh out loud as I witnessed Grant's pride and celebration through the rear view mirror.  Our neighbor, Joshua, even had a chuckle realizing that you have to be quick to beat Grant Howard.

When was the last time you pumped YOUR fist in the air and declared aloud...I ROCK!  Let me see for me that would be...let me think a moment...how about NEVER.  I am quick to make a mental list of all the ways I am falling short of all my imaginary expectations, but somehow I don't believe I have the right to pat myself on the back.  Indulge me for a moment....I am a six year breast cancer survivor, a dedicated teacher that truly cares about each and every student in my room, a creative spirit that constantly dreams of new ideas and lessons, a loving mother that is present daily for my two boys, a wife that prays for growth and discovery in her marriage, a considerate friend that seeks to bless those in my life,   a sister that supports her two sisters along their journey, a nurturing daughter, a believer that looks for ways to worship and praise, ....am I perfect in any of these areas in my life?...NO!   

I know that I will never have the self-esteem that my son Grant possesses, but just for a moment I am going to celebrate where I am in this moment and guess what...I ROCK.  I smiled when I typed that message to myself.  I am going to carry that smile with me the rest of the day....



GRANT ROCKS!



DANCING, COOKING, DR. DREW, AND SVU

Being tracked out from school/work gives me the time to meditate, exercise, organize my house, scrapbook, and just bring everything in my world into clear focus again.   I said I have the time to do all those things, but most days you will find me curled up under a blanket watching television.  I get so caught up in the stories on the screen that my mind gets a break from my own reality.  Always the student, I have discovered some pearls of wisdom hidden in some of my favorite shows that I would like to share at this time. 

Hell's Kitchen/Master Chef:  Gordon Ramsey is the Simon Cowell of the kitchen.  He yells, screams, throws food in the trash, and demeans individuals that put their heart and soul into their culinary creations.  I am drawn to his passion and ability to speak the truth.  I am not saying that I want to be yelled at or that I should scream at my loved ones...but perhaps I would not spend so much time on the couch if I had a Gordon Ramsey in my life.  These shows have taught me that there is such a thing as tough love and fear can sometimes bring out the best in us.  Oh, and I also learned that I am a horrible cook.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew:    All kidding aside, this show highlights that hideous ways that addiction affects our lives.  Sadly, drug and alcohol use is encouraged and accepted in our society.  Surrender is a huge lesson that the addicts must embrace on the show.  I use so many things to numb the pain that I have in my own life and know that I must begin to let go so that I can have a life of freedom.  I also discovered why Lindsay Lohan is such a mess...yes addiction does run in families.  The best gift we can give our children is to take care of our own stuff so that we don't pass it on to the next generation.

So You Think You Can Dance:   This entertaining show proves that dance is alive and that I am a broken down mess that can barely get out of bed in the morning.  The choreography, music, and competition are all entertaining but it is the bodies that keep me tuning in.  I imagine this is how God intended us to look like before we decide to become gluttons.  I know that Matt will never run around in tight jeans, bare chested, with toes pointed all the while lifting my perfectly sculpted body through the air...but a girl can dream can't she?

American Pickers:  Mike and Frank are two friends that travel across the United States and pick through other people's trash to find treasures.  There is a historical aspect of this show that is interesting as the viewers learn information about toys, bicycles, guns, and cars from years gone by.  Getting a peek into the lives of people from all walks of life is entertaining.  The hot tattooed girl, Danni D, that tells these guys where to travel to "pick" is Matt's favorite part of the show.  Considering I throw everything out after about a week I don't think these guys will be coming to my door anytime, but this show proves that old things and the stories they hold are indeed treasures.

Law and Order:  I will watch any L&O that happens to be on, but my real passion is Special Victims Unit.  The subject matter is disgusting, but the characters are like part of my family.  Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson rocks a tight shirt and gun holster like no other woman.  I like her best in the old versions with her short hair and perfect lip liner.  Christoper Meloni as Elliot Stabler, is the military man turned bad ass cop.  I don't know when he has time to workout but he is rock hard.  Elliot is married and has 4 kids but he spends so much time at work that I always hoped something would happen between him and Olivia.  You throw in Finn and Munch and you got yourself a dream team!  My sister and I think there is something about the "tink tink" that comes on in the beginning that hypnotizes you and makes you have to watch the show.  How else can I explain watching the same episode like 10 times.  If I could get back the hours I have spent on this show I am sure that I would have my own book written by now.  I am powerless...I must watch SVU over and over and over and over....Honestly, I don't think there is way I can spin this obsession and actually pretend I have learned anything from the show. 

Now that  you have had a peek into the productive days of Jamie Howard, I am certain you will never read this blog again.  When I start to beat myself up about all the time I have wasted I watch an episode of Hoarders and see how messy those people are and then feel better about myself.  I gotta run because I have a very busy day ahead of me today.  Got a few American Pickers on the DVR and then the SVU marathon starts after lunch.