SUPERMOM...NOT!

This goes out to all the mother's that DON'T have perfect children.  I am writing to those women that DON'T have all the answers and some days feel like they are just making it through the day.  I applaud those of you that sat down on Mother's Day with a nice cup of tea and sighed with contentment drinking in the oasis of peace and joy that is your world.  The rest of us might have been drinking something a big stronger and yelling at our kids to sit still while we try to capture a photo of our little angels. 

I have only been a mother for 11 years, and just when I think I have mastered one stage my boys throw me a curve ball.  Motherhood is not a perfect science and since every child is unique it is hard to even offer advice to my fellow warriors...so I won't even try.  What I will say, however, is that I am finding the key to my contentment as a mother has nothing to do with my children. Let me see if any of these things ring a bell....do  you think you are a successful mother if your children...

Make all A's in school, only create friendships with young people that are kind and respectful, never make mistakes, pray daily, practice their instruments without being reminded, are leaders not followers, receive awards, are well liked by their peers, make the sports teams, graduate at the top of their class, are never disrespectful, clean their rooms, don't talk back, treat their siblings with love, always say please and thank you, (I have not even gotten to the teenage years yet)!

The truth is if we solely judge our success as a parent on the success of our children then we are guiding our family toward destruction. Who even sets the standards for how our offspring measure up?  The world?  Our own dreams for our children?   Unfortunately, our children are not robots and we don't have a  road map on how to get them into adulthood without any major mishaps.  So what is a loving mother to do?

I have decided to take the focus off of my boys and place it on my journey as a parent. I desire to stand firm and battle daily to not let the circumstances that my children face change my stance.  On Mother's Day, I did not look at my children to assess how I was "performing" as a mother.  I looked in the mirror and then hit my knees and asked God for wisdom and guidance.  Perhaps you find yourself going through a rough patch with your child and some days want to throw in the towel.  Keep repeating to yourself...this too shall pass.  There is so much swirling around our children and whether they admit it or not they need a strong, unshakable foundation.

I am going to make many mistakes as a parent, but I have this secret fantasy that I will only share privately on facebook.  One day, I am going to be sitting with my sons reminiscing about he past.  Jake will say something like, "Mom, I don't know how you and Dad held it together with all that life threw at you."  Grant will add, "I know, everyone told you I would struggle and look at how good my life is today."  That is when I will tell them my secret.  God walked beside me and carried me through those days when I could barely take a step.  Until then, I am still going to let them believe I am superMOM...knowing full well that GOD deserves all the glory.

Nicole, Me, and our ANGELS!!!

LOVE ONE ANOTHER

I had a restless night.  Over the past six months, someone I love has suffered two major losses.  Have you ever faced a powerful, aching, overwhelming sadness?  An emotion that brings you to your knees and renders you unable of doing little more than breathing in and out.  How inadequate I feel in these situations where there are no solutions in sight.  I either avoid the darkness all together for fear that somehow if I get too close it will rub off on me, or I dive right in and lose myself in the faulty thinking that I can be a savior. 

In the midst of making my lists of ways I intended to help my loved ones, I decided to consult the only true healer and open up my bible.  Imagine my surprise when I turned to Mark chapter 12 and read clearly what I am called to do for others.  LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.  I meditated on those words last night and this morning and decided to reach out to the person in the middle of the storm.  Two things were on my heart...first let him know he is cared for and loved and second ask HIM what HE needs.  I intend to continue to pray for peace and healing for his entire family, but I have given up the notion that I know what is needed.  God asked me last night to simply love him...but there is nothing simple about that request.  I have to get rid of my ideas and allow God to reveal to me how I can be of service. 

When was the last time you turned to a friend, spouse, child, parent and asked, "how can I love you?"  We have not been asked to speculate, heal, fix, or manipulate....we have been called to love.  My heart is still aching for the list of people all around me that are facing such unbelievable situations.  And yet, I am filled with hope.  I know the ONE that comforts the brokenhearted and I am loved.  Find someone in your world today that needs a hug...I love you!

SOMEBODY IS WATCHING YOU!

January 5, 2011

Fear washed over me as I faced the first day of work.  The school parking lot was empty since the early bell would not ring for another 15 mintues.  The clock glowed 6:45 AM .... the time that Christine and I had set aside for quiet. Today, I knew I needed an extra dose of peace and grace to calm my nerves.  I bowed my head, closed my eyes, took a deep breath..... 

April 28, 2011

Prayer has changed MY very existence.  Prayer has sustained ME. Prayer has allowed ME to hear the whispers of God.  Even when I lift loved ones up, somehow eventually the focus seems to always come back to ME (that will not come as a shock to anyone that knows me well). 

Imagine my surprise when  one day a coworker asked me if I was a spy.  I thought she was referencing the fact that I wore black everyday, but that is a whole seperate issue.  She actually wanted to know why I sat in my car in an empty parking lot whispering into my cell phone every morning.  I shared with her a little about my relationship with Christine and how we had been praying together for over 4 years.   She was honestly interested and asked many questions that got me thinking. I have been so touched by our conversation and in particular one poignant question keeps chasing me..."Why do you pray?"

Has praying become a habit?  Is it jolt to get my day going like a cup of coffee? Am I afraid that if I don't pour out all my concerns and worries everyday God will somehow forget me?  Am I just trying to get my way in specific situations? Do I just want to talk to Christine without the kids interrupting?  A precious exchange with a new aquaintance made me dig a little deeper.

I pray to remind myself to keep my eyes on Him.  There is no need to remind the Creator that I need a little attention.  I am the one that loses focus.  To truly be changed I must lose myself...lay it all at His feet...focus on how I can be used to bless others.  Outwardly, my new friend might have walked away impressed with my obedience.  How many people around us can say that we are actually "walking the walk" and not just praying the talk?  Don't get me wrong, I am not beating myself up at all.  I am actually energized and blessed beyond words.  God reminded me that he is always watching and I don't want to miss a moment where I can bless someone and bring Him glory.

OUR INNER FLAMES

As I looked into the faces of the 87 students that filtered through my class each week I marveled at the myriad of emotions that washed over me.  There were the energetic children that seemed excited and content with life.  The cool kids that were far more interested in their peers than anything I had to offer.  Those students organized and prepared for every question I presented.  Shy girls that barely looked me in the eye but had magic hidden inside that would blossom with the passing years.  Handsome and polite young men that reminded me of the two young boys I was raising at home.  And yet, one type of student haunted me.  The young person that sat at their desk with no sense of purpose.   It seemed the light in the center of their being was gone.  Depressed and apathetic they simply went through the motions of the day.  I heard stories of sad and troubled situations and my heart ached for each and every one of them.  I wanted to tell them that no matter what life brings they can thrive.  I wanted them to feel loved and cherished, but instead I had to stick to my lesson plans...or did I?

One of my Dad's favorite quotes was from Albert Schweitzer....Sometimes our flame goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.  There are far too many children living with hopelessness and depression.  I wanted to blame the parents of the children in my class for their condition, but I was convicted when I thought about the way in which I live.  Do my children see me only struggling and complaining?  Do I share with them the joys and successes or only the hardships?  Do they see me living with gratitude and joy...praising God no matter the circumstances?  Have I lost the ability to laugh and play with my kids?  Can they see my spiritual flame flickering and bringing light to a world in need of love?  I want to be the type of wife, parent, friend, child, and teacher that lifts people up.  I am so thankful that I am still warmed by the Holy Spirit that has enabled me to endure and press on through some tough stuff.

Each of you have the ability to impact the lives of the people around you.  Please take special care with the children that come into your world.  They need our support so that they can reach their full potential.  I am not naive enough to believe that in a few short months I can change the direction of the young people in my class...but I am going to give it my best shot.  Pray that I can spark something inside of them that allows them to see past their circumstances and dream for a bright future.  I pray the same for you...let your light shine today.

COMFORT OR COURAGE

I have been marinating in thoughts of courage lately.  A soldier on the front lines battling the enemy is courageous.  An activist standing up for their beliefs and trying to make a difference in the world is courageous.  How about a peace corp worker traveling to a foreign land to bring hope to the suffering...wow...that is courage.  Most days I feel like a lumpy well used chair that sits in the corner and longs to just be comfortable.  This very morning I came face to face with courage from a very unusual source...my 8 year old son.

Grant lives his days governed by well established self imposed routines.  He likes his shoes put away in the basket, TV remotes on the cofeetable, doors shut, fans on...think you got the picture.  He has been out of school for the last 3 weeks for winter break and this morning he had to go back to class.  Last night as we prayed before bed he completely covered his brother asking God "to watch over Jake when he goes to school and help him do the right thing."  He made a point of leaving himself out of the prayers because he was staying home with Mommy.  After hanging up the phone with Teen this morning at 7:00 I cuddled with both boys.  Grant quietly asked me, "Mom, I am not going to school?"  I told him it was Monday and that he had to go back to school.  His worst nightmare had become a reality and his face crinkled up as he raged..."Noooooooooooooooo!"  I calmed him down and told him that we would just go downstairs and take a bath and eat breakfast.  He was unusually quiet during the rest of the morning and then he came up to me in the kitchen and said,  "Mom, I am going to do the right thing and listen to my teacher today."  When I dropped him off this morning he leaned in and asked me to blow him a kiss before he closed the car door. 

As I drove back home I realized I had seen courage in action.  The challenges that Grant faces at school are sometimes frightening to him.  He still asks me everyday if there is going to be a tornado drill because the nightmare of the last one still lingers.  He does not want to go to school because it is going to be hard and his teachers are going to push him out of his comfort zone.  They want him to realize his full potential and use his gifts each and everyday.  I could see the fear on Grant's face when he knew that he had to go this morning, but I also witnessed the transformation in him as he made a choice to step out and do the right thing.  In making that decision Grant reminded me that Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

Some days it is hard to not feel overwhelmed by the tasks that are set before us.  Like Grant I want to cry out and stay inside my house where it is safe and warm.  God cannot use us when we refuse to walk forward in faith.  All day today I will be thinking about Grant and sending him thoughts of love.  When I go to pick him up I will make sure he knows how proud I am of him.  Just imagine how much God rejoices when we do the right thing.  Thank you my sweet boy for always showing me how to live with courage.


Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you or forsake you.

                                                                                       Deuteronomy 31:6




Grant hanging out with cousin Allie



HEAVENLY MESSAGES

My first few weeks of teaching has been an adventure.  I have met some unique individuals tirelessly working to educate young people.  Relationships and bonds have been formed that I only hope will last for a very long time.  I could spend hours describing the students that comprise my language arts and public speaking classes.  My world had become very small over the years, but in an instant the blinds were opened and  sunlight filled my soul. The spark of creativity and passion flickers just a little brighter as I take on this new challenge. 

The amount of new information that has been thrown at me seriously has made me wonder what the heck I am doing.  One day I forgot my key and was locked out of my classroom and then I went to make copies only to forget the 5 digit code that had been given to me the day before.  State curriculum guides, lesson plans, the names of 90 students and an enormous faculty, team meetings, parent conferences...and I have only been working 2 weeks!!!   I still chuckle to myself when I think about me wandering around the school pretending that I actually know where I am going.  I work on the 7th grade hall and the design is a big circle so even if you take a wrong turn somehow you will end up back where you started.  One day I got lost coming back from the cafeteria and I ended up at the gym.  Immediately I started to think of the lie I could create if I ran into another teacher.  "Just checking out the school...everything looks good."  All of a sudden I noticed blocks of color that had been painted on the wall that had quotes on them.  One in particular caught my eye..."Don't Ever Give Up!"  -Jim Valvano 

Seriously!!!  I have never seen that quote written on the wall of any school where I have visited.  And yet, I ended up working at the very middle school in North Carolina that has it boldly painted for all to see.  Once again I was reminded of the fact that God's timing is so perfect.  We need not worry about our path or journey, but only continue to surrender our will.  And if by chance, like me, you get a little turned around...I promise there are signs always available to point you in the right direction. Most days I find a reason to walk by that quote and I cannot help but smile, look upward, and quietly whisper, "Okay, Dad I got it."  My load always seems just a little bit lighter because I know I am never alone.

Are you listening?

SECOND CHANCES

Do you believe in second chances?  Have you walked so far down a certain path that you feel that there is no going back?  Relationships have been lost, opportunities gone, and hurts so deep that you doubt they can heal.  I would put my self in the category of part-time believer.  I have always talked a good game, but moments of darkness and worry seemed to take over whenever I truly examined my situation. 

Had I never seen the glow of the sun's rays brightening the morning sky?  As I drove to my new employee orientation it was if everything was new to me.  After 10 years as a stay at home mom and the past 5 years battling to get well...I was embarking on a new journey.  To the average person becoming a middle school teacher might seem like no big deal, but to me it was nothing short of a miracle that a brand new chapter of my life was starting.  I gathered my notebooks, pens, and put on my "professional face" but the moment before I opened the car door the emotion washed over me like a tumultuous wave.  How had I gotten here? 

When I no longer had the answers to the questions and concerns in my life...
When I stopped trying to figure out everything and maintain control.....
When I embraced hope and faith without having to know where those blessings would lead me.....
When I got out of the driver's seat and humbled myself before the Creator of everything.....
When I accepted that God loved me and allowed His grace to enter my life....
When I let go of the past hurts, ideas, and failures....
When I started to live in the 24 hours that I had been given...

Only then could I see the beauty and feel the warmth of the magical sun that had always been in view.  We serve a God of second changes.  He likes nothing better than to take something that we think is dead and buried and breathe new life into our existence.  In my case, he deserves all the glory....but revel in the joy that is mine.

Me on my first day of school...that is my lunch!