CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Peaceful holiday has become an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or easy labor.  We rush around to find the perfect gifts, overuse our credit cards, try to please well meaning family members, and wonder when that silent night that everyone sings about is coming our way.  Pain and loss can overwhelm us as we put on a brave front and hide our aching hearts.  My children led the way this Christmas when they provided me with such a clear vision of the meaning for my season.

We gathered on Christmas eve at my in-laws and after the year we had endured the joy of simply being together could be felt by all.  This was the first year that Jake read the Christmas story from the bible.  The pure voice of a 10 year old magically awakened my heart and I closed my eyes and really listened to the words he spoke.  I was misty eyed and filled with pride when he finished reading.  I did not want Grant to feel left out so I asked him if he wanted to say a little prayer. I have to give you a little background...

My mother-in-law bought Grant a toy yellow horse when he was a little baby.  He loved the horse so much.  He spent hours pressing the top and scooting across the floor as it galloped ever so slowly.  We had a backup horse in case the first one broke and soon daily horse racing was a regular event.  Because Grant had so many medical issues and delays when he was a baby, it was truly a gift to see him light up with excitement over his "yeyow horsie".  The horses stayed at the beach and as years went by he forgot about them as other toys took their place.  Whenever he would watch and old video and see the horse he would play it over an over as if he was visiting an old friend.  When Uncle Brad came from the beach for Christmas he brought the horses for him.  The reunion was quite a sight.  As Grant bowed his head to pray he got right to the point as he said, "Heavenly father, thank you for this day and our blessings.  Thank you to Uncle Brad for bringing me my yellow horse. Amen."  We were all in stitches that something so simple could make such an impact on this little boy.  As we got up to open the rest of our gifts...Grant objected, "No guys, everyone has to pray."  He went around the room pointing to each one of us and even suggesting how each of us should start our prayers.  Everyone in that room is a Christian, but it took a precious little boy to remind us what truly mattered.

Jake was so excited about the gifts that he received and went out of his way to thank his grandparents...even for the clothes.  Later that night, I asked Grant about his favorite gift and without hesitation he said the yellow horse.  He got some sweet gifts...race car track, remote control train, books...but nothing came close to the feeling that he had when he pushed the head of the horse and watched it slowly clip clop across the floor.  He taught me that we don't need the latest gadgets, newest toys, or most expensive gifts.  Sometimes it is the simple things that touch our spirit and make us feel loved.  I needed my sons to remind me what Christmas means to me.  I know that we all celebrate differently and do not want to offend anyone.  I simply pray that you had a peaceful holiday and that you took time to reflect on what really matters to you and your family.



Wisdom from Jake



Joy from Grant



HA HA HA!!!

Laughter ranks right up there with hugs and kisses with things that make you feel good..  If there is anything that can turn a frown upside down it is a good chuckle.  Life is serious and I find I have to actively seek out friends and situations that give me reason to laugh.  Luckily, I don't have to look very far...

Perhaps the best source of merriment lies in seeing the world through the eyes of children.  My youngest Grant is a complete ham.  He loves to listen to his older brother's CDs and has memorized all of the words even without understanding the meaning.  The other night he sang a heartbreaking ballad from the movie High School Musical where he had to break up with Troy because he had to "move on and be on my own."  Pretty deep emotion coming from an 8 year old.  Jake is always ready to be silly with me especially when any type of music comes on television. We both jump up and begin to dance and I am young again...even if just for a moment.  

Jake has walked to school with his best buddies for the last two years.  The oldest, Thomas, makes me feel like a mental midget most of the time and his dry sense of humor keeps me in stitches.  He comes to the door every morning at 8 am commenting on something he read in the paper, praising me for finally getting around to putting up my scrapbooking mess, or simply asking me how I slept the night before.  His younger brother Robbie, talks in a kind of stream of consciousness..whatever he is thinking just comes right out and he assumes you have been following along the whole time.  Our "conversation" might go something like this..."Morning Rob" (that's me)  His reply...so the snow on the roof of  the stadium just collapsed because it was so heavy.  But they were not playing a game it was empty but kind of bad luck for the QB Bret Farve."  I have not even had coffee yet and he is talking about something that I know nothing about.  Their exuberance rubs off on me and as I close the door and watch them walk away I cannot help but smile.

Belly laughs are my all time favorite way to combat whatever ails you.  Most of them come when I am hanging out with the gals.  Over the past few years we have adopted RummiKub as our official game/obsession.  Laura, Nicole, Christine, and I even had a tournament going during one of the school breaks.  Sure the game is fun, but it is the crazy exchanges between us that are priceless.  One minute I am having a civilized conversation and all of a sudden I find myself on the on the floor gasping for air as I cackle wildly.  Usually I crawl around on my hands and knees repeating whatever had been said that I found so hilarious.  No matter how hard you try the moment can never be recreated.  Sometimes we call another friend or spouse and deliver the line exactly the same way and all we hear is silence on the other end.  That is when you give the universal statement of "you had to be there" to try to soften the blow to our immature egos.  I live for those magical moments when like a soda that has been shaken and then opened...all my bubbles rise to the top and explode into glorious giggles.

If you want to get rid of the blues...pop in a funny movie, attend a comedy show, or hang out with the people that bring life and laughter into your world.   I know when I am in desperate need of a rummi game with my girls or a song and dance with my boys.  None of us want wrinkles, but I think I could do with a few more laugh lines on my face.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

Jake and Wilson Brothers
Wake me up each morning with a smile!!!

BATTLING DEPRESSION

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Psalm 42:5

Depression in its mildest form might be an overwhelming feeling of "blah", but left unchecked it can become a debilitating disease that affects every area of your life.  Many times we can specifically identify what is making us feel down.  Grief that every human at one time or another experiences force us to face a season of suffering.  However, there are times when nothing is out of place in our lives and yet we just feel sad.  I am not a doctor and to my knowledge there is no magic pill that heals all hurts, but over the next couple of days I wanted to share what has worked for me.  

Even if you don't read the bible on a regular basis I promise the Psalms will be a comfort to anyone feeling discouraged.  The words come across like a dynamic pep talk as the psalmist laments over his current condition and then looks to God for healing.  Just like the verse above, I have found myself saying..."Jamie, get it together...what are you so down about?"  The writer makes a decision when he declares...Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.   I love the fact that even though he makes the decision to rely on his faith, his courage falters, and he has to repeat this very sentiment over again to his soul.  Sometimes we have to discipline ourselves and not allow our mind to roam freely and travel to dark places. 

If you haven't guessed by now, my faith is the most effective defense against life's woes.  There was a moment when I realized that I was out of options and answers.  In fact I did not even know what the questions were anymore.  Everything was backward and upside down in my world and so I began to read the bible and pray asking God to reveal himself to me.  I wish I could tell you that all of my troubles vanished, but perhaps the more powerful statement is that I found joy and peace in the midst of the storm. 

Do you feel like the lights have gone out of your very soul?  Maybe you are like a balloon that is slowly losing air and pretty soon you will be completely deflated.  The Psalmist could relate when he spoke...I say to God my Rock, Why have you forgotten me?...My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

And yet, I hear a whisper bubbling up deep from within me.  Where is your hope, Jamie?  I know the answer...do you?

   

HOLD ON

As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  I graduated with a education degree from NCSU and started my career teaching Social Studies at Apex Middle School.  In October of that same year, I married my high school sweetheart and moved into a new home.  Matt and I wonder what we actually did with all of our free time during the first years of our wedded bliss.  Knowing me, I probably spent my days planning for the future and never enjoying the moment.  Years passed as I left teaching and went to work for The V Foundation...babies were born...we moved two more times...and slowly EVERYTHING fell apart.

I inherited my love of poetry from my father.  We spent many family dinners listening to him recite poetry and quote his favorite Shakespearean sonnet.  One of his favorites was Rudyard Kipling's If. The passage of time has enabled me to find a deeper meaning in the author's words.  A few of the lines give life to what I am feeling at this very moment....

If you can......
watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn out tools. 
If you can....
start again at your beginnings...And never breath a word about your loss.

If you can...
force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"

A year ago I would have freely told you that I was on the brink of disaster. I made a choice to trust in the Lord and HOLD ON.  I decided to embrace my brokenness, let go of the past, and believe that God could make a way for me through the desert.  Last Friday I received a phone call that I will be temporarily taking over a 7th grade Language Arts class for a teacher on maternity leave.  Talk about starting again at your beginning!!!  Matt and I are working hard to heal our family from the past hurts and have much to celebrate as we move forward into the new year.  In my wildest hopes and dreams I could never have imagined the doors that have been opened and the prayers that have been answered. 

The holiday season has a way of stirring up grief and pain.  Perhaps you find yourself in the midst of a storm or struggling to keep your head above water.  There is hope no matter where you are in your journey.  When you are all out of options and in need of assistance...I have one little suggestion.  Get on your knees and ask HIM to show you the way.  Then get up and take your first step of faith.  He will take you to places you have yet to even imagine.

Don't let go!!!!

MY COLORFUL DAD

As I stare out my window I cannot help but feel sorry for the naked trees.  The magical colors of Fall have disappeared, and I find myself spending more time indoors curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee.  I need something to bring warmth and color to my day and so I remember my Dad....

(This article was originally published in the 1995 Jimmy V Celebrity Golf Classic.  Since I wrote it I thought I could share it on my blog....hope it makes you smile.)

The clock by his bedside revealed it was midnight, but even at this late hour his tired body could not rest.  Jim looked over at his wife sleeping peacefully and knew he should not wake her.  These were the hours that he dreaded to face alone.  The pain kept him up most of the night until the pills finally kicked in and allowed him to rest a few hours.  He remembered the drafting table, paints, and brushes his family bought him so that he could paint when he was unable to sleep.  Jim could not even trace a straight line, but the challenge of painting helped to take his mind off the pain.  He grabbed his robe and slippers and descended the staircase to his office where the canvas he had been working on for the last eight weeks was waiting for him.  He could finish it tonight if only his fingers were not so numb.  The harsh chemotherapy made his hands and feet feel like they were asleep.  As he sat in front of the picture he was creating, his physical inadequacies seemed to disappear.  Finishing this picture would be a triumph of the human spirit.  The very spirit that enabled him to face cancer everyday.  And so he painted until the sun came up, when finally his wife beckoned him to come to bed.  He climbed the stairs with a smile of satisfaction on his face.  His first piece of artwork was complete.

On February 19, 1993, the Valvano house was filled with family and friends for the unveiling of Jim's masterpiece.  There was champagne, food, love, and laughter.  In the den, a spotlight shone on a small frame covered by a silk pillowcase.  Jim proudly sat on one side of his painting and greeted all of the guests.  He wore a red and green beret, mirrored sunglasses, and a bow tie to add some class to the dignified affair.  The guest list included the people that had been by his side helping him fight cancer.  The men in the room not only played golf and went on trips together, but they did their share of sitting by Jim's bedside when he felt too sick to go out.  This was a night when Jim's close friends gathered together to celebrate his victory.

Once again, he had beaten the odds and brought light to a dark situation.  Jim told a few funny stories to get the crowd warmed up, and then the moment was at hand.  The lights were dimmed, the glasses were raised, and the pillowcase was lifted to reveal Brown Boat.  The audience began to ask questions of the artist, but he simply shook his head and refused to answer.  Jim smirked as he explained, "I am a slave to my muse.  I cannot explain the meaning of my work, you must interpret it for yourselves."  Every visitor got a chance to wear their own beret and sunglasses and have their picture taken with the artist and his creation.

As word spread of Jim's painting ability, orders began to pour in for future works.  Pam Valvano wanted an elephant painting, Pat McCann requested rabbits, and Jim wanted to paint kittens for John Saunder's daughter, Aleah.  Immediately following his animal stage, he planned to enter an abstract period, and finish his career painting nudes.  He wife was disturbed at the thought of him painting beautiful women naked, but Jim assured her that he was going to be the one naked not the models.  Although he was unable to finish all of these paintings, he certainly made a powerful statement with his short career as an artist.  Brown Boat represents Jim's creative, energetic, and mysterious spirit.  Not even pain, fear, sickness, or his wife's constant admonitions to not get paint everywhere could keep Jim from adding color to everything he touched. 

I miss you Dad!!!!



Me and the Artist



NICOLE AND JAMIE

Laverne and Shirley...Bert and Ernie...Wilma and Betty...Lucy and Ethel...Hannah Montana and Lola...dynamic duos that go together like peanut butter and jelly.  My older sister Nicole and I are only three years apart and should have walked through our childhood arm in arm.  There was only one issue...we are as different as day and night.  I had a pink huffy bicycle with tassels flowing from the handles and Nicole's bike was black.  When my mom wanted to dress us alike I wore the jumper/dress version and she wore the pants ensemble.  I danced ballet.  She played basketball.  I styled my long hair in fashionable braids or pigtails.  Nicole wore her hair short (think Dorothy Hamill) and usually hid under a baseball cap.  I had a million pretend friends and the part that Nicole played in my fantasy world was my son Mikey Miller...need I say more. A tomboy and a princess tied by the bonds of sisterhood forever.

As we grew up, we never uncovered a reason to separate.  Nicole and I attended the same college, were members of Sigma Kappa sorority, shared an apartment, were married within a year of each other, and had our children about a year apart.  We have so many similar experiences that you would think that we would be like two peas in a pod.  However, everyday I wonder how the heck we came from the same two parents. Nicole is 5 feet tall and I am 5 feet 9 inches.  She is like a size 0 and let's just say I am in the double digit range.  She has the mind of a chemist and the ability to get things done.  I have the heart of a dreamer and can waste a day just thinking about what I would like to accomplish.  Don't let her tough exterior fool you...she is s softee on the inside, but she certainly does not wear her emotions on her sleeve like I do.  She is an athlete and ultra competitive and I can barely dribble a ball.  Often times our distinct personalities lead to disagreements and we know how to push each other's buttons like only a sister can.  But here is the thing...I have shared my entire life with her.  She was there at some of the most wonderful moments I have celebrated.  When the pain was so hard that I thought I would never see my way out there she was waiting for me to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes we don't particularly like each other, but there is always love.

We all have people in our little worlds that make us wonder what God was thinking.  I am sure you know a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or even a family member that brings frustration because you cannot figure out what makes them tick. Often times we take on a superior attitude thinking if they would only open their eyes and see how things should be done then we could live in peace and harmony.  Through the ups and downs of my relationship with my older sister I have discovered so many truths.  It might be easier, but it would be boring, if we were all the same.  The unique perspective that others bring to our lives often opens our eyes to what was hidden.  For example, sometimes when we reminisce about our Dad she will have an entirely different take on a memory that we share.  Nicole has enriched my life by helping me step outside my comfort zone and see that there was a world outside my Barbie dream house.   Because we don't think the same way I have to really work at listening and communicating with her.  Sometimes we get irritated with each other, but I am so thankful that we always find a way to move past the issue and find a reason to laugh again. 

As you are reading these words, you might think of someone in your inner circle that is unlike anyone that you know.  Take a moment to thank God for placing them in your life.  Even after 38 years with my sis, I still am not an expert on the inner workings of Nicole V. Donahue.  I don't care anymore...in this moment...I am just extremely grateful for my Big/very little sistah. 



Nicole, Me, and Lee Lee
Who said being the middle child is an issue...I turned out so well adjusted...



KEEPING IT REAL

Reality television can certainly be addictive.  I always feel so much better about myself after I witness the crazy antics that go on in the lives of others.  The shows that really keep my attention are the ones where a person is using their talents to compete...think Project Runway, Top Chef, or America's Next Top Model.  I am never going to be a fashion designer (I could not even learn to sew in a community college class) and modeling or cooking...okay you don't have to laugh.  So why am I so intrigued? 

Basically, you can separate the contestants into two categories.  You either are super confident and act as if nobody other than you exists, or you are insecure, and therefore have to put others down to make yourself feel better.  You rarely see someone that just comes into the experience knowing who they are inside and feeling no threat from others.  The essence of competing is that we want to win and desire others to fail.  I cannot tell a lie, I love when the cast members turn on each other.  When they have those one on one video diaries where the person basically just tells you everything they are thinking.  Can you imagine if during some moment in our days we ducked into a bathroom and shared with a video crew how we felt about our neighbors, coworkers, or even family members?  Ugh...that could get really ugly. 

Life can sometimes feel like a competition when we constantly compare ourselves to others.  We are waiting for someone to hold up a paddle and give us a score.  We become exhausted because there is no end in sight...when are they going to announce the winner?  I kind of vacillate between the individual that is positive and self-assured and the scared victim that knows she can never succeed. Either way, I give far too much weight to what everyone else is doing around me.  I can easily get caught up in wanting praise and affirmation from the crowd that serves as my panel of judges.  What happens when we discover that we don't have what it takes to be on top?  How can we cope with the truth that we are miserable in our quest to please everyone?  Maybe we should retreat into a dark room with sickening amounts of snack food and hunker down for an all day marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians.  Yeah...that show captures my reality!!!

The truth is that God gave me unique qualities and circumstances that cannot be replicated by another human being alive.  Nobody can be a better Jamie Valvano Howard than me.  What a shame if I spent all my time trying to be like someone else and lost my purpose in the process.  I can learn quite a bit from opening my eyes and heart to the people that have been placed in my life, but nobody can guide my steps better than the One that knows every path I will travel.  I don't need to put anybody down so that I can get ahead.  Just think how we would make others feel if we embraced and celebrated the skills we saw in them without feeling like that gesture would somehow make our own lights appear dimmer.

Here and now think of yourself as the star of your own reality show.  The purpose of this journey is to share as much love and kindness with everyone that you meet.  Don't worry about the other contestants because they cannot alter the divine plan and purpose for your life.  Remember to use the gifts that you have been given to help you not only survive but to prosper as you move ahead. There is but one judge and although you might not always score a perfect 10, I promise you will have a reward in the end.  Oh, and about that video diary. When you feel so overwhelmed and you just need to get it all out before you explode...fall to your knees and start talking...no camera necessary. 





You are the star of something far more real than anything we see on television...