A SYMBOL OF HOPE

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Anyone that has been touched by this disease does not need a reminder to remember. When hard times come into our lives it is only human to want it over and done with quickly.  When faced with pain, I find myself running as fast as I can trying to leave the nightmares behind.  What if the only way to learn the lessons that life is meant to teach us is to slow down and listen? I don't want to have to face the same test over and over never gaining anything from the hardship.  So I have decided this month to take some time to become "aware" of how cancer has changed me. 

Growing up there were distant relatives that had been diagnosed with cancer, but it was not something that was discussed.  I never feared the disease or imagined it would play such a significant role in my world.  In the summer of 1992, my father was diagnosed with cancer and given a year to live.  He was young, vibrant, and lived with such passion.  I left college and spent the last 10 months of his life soaking up his magic.  I promise to share more of his journey in the days ahead.  You will be inspired by his divine legacy.  I returned to college, graduated, married, worked for a few years, gave birth to two beautiful boys, and then came the lump that would change everything.  In 2005, at the age of 33, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Because of my family history genetic testing was performed and it was discovered I had inherited a mutation from my father known as BRAC II.  Both my sisters were tested and thank goodness neither of them had the mutation.  Because of the risk I carried my doctors suggested an aggressive approach to treating my cancer.  I had my last and what I hope will be my final surgery in December of 2009.  Although I pray that my treatment is behind me, the healing continues. 

Since my diagnosis October has been a hard month for me.  I am so thankful that people are working hard to raise money for breast cancer research, but seeing that ribbon everywhere makes it hard for me to escape my reality.  I have left many stores wanting to scream so that someone would acknowledge my despair.  Doctors tell you that you become a survivor the minute you are diagnosed with a particular disease.  I have to be honest in admitting that I never embraced that sentiment.  I have been pissed off, ashamed, hopeless, lost, afraid...you name it I have felt it.  Because I welcomed destructive emotions and made them feel at home in my soul it has been hard to get rid of those horrid guests.  And so when I turned the page of my calender and discovered October was here again I braced myself  for the despair.  Something has changed inside of me because when I spotted that dreadful ribbon the other day I felt an unfamiliar stirring and struggled to name it.  Was it, could it be, no way, it is....HOPE.  Letting go of the anguish has allowed me to embrace a new way of viewing this beautiful symbol.  Not only during the month of October, but for the rest of my life I will stand firm beside the millions of people that have been forever changed by our common foe.