NICOLE AND JAMIE

Laverne and Shirley...Bert and Ernie...Wilma and Betty...Lucy and Ethel...Hannah Montana and Lola...dynamic duos that go together like peanut butter and jelly.  My older sister Nicole and I are only three years apart and should have walked through our childhood arm in arm.  There was only one issue...we are as different as day and night.  I had a pink huffy bicycle with tassels flowing from the handles and Nicole's bike was black.  When my mom wanted to dress us alike I wore the jumper/dress version and she wore the pants ensemble.  I danced ballet.  She played basketball.  I styled my long hair in fashionable braids or pigtails.  Nicole wore her hair short (think Dorothy Hamill) and usually hid under a baseball cap.  I had a million pretend friends and the part that Nicole played in my fantasy world was my son Mikey Miller...need I say more. A tomboy and a princess tied by the bonds of sisterhood forever.

As we grew up, we never uncovered a reason to separate.  Nicole and I attended the same college, were members of Sigma Kappa sorority, shared an apartment, were married within a year of each other, and had our children about a year apart.  We have so many similar experiences that you would think that we would be like two peas in a pod.  However, everyday I wonder how the heck we came from the same two parents. Nicole is 5 feet tall and I am 5 feet 9 inches.  She is like a size 0 and let's just say I am in the double digit range.  She has the mind of a chemist and the ability to get things done.  I have the heart of a dreamer and can waste a day just thinking about what I would like to accomplish.  Don't let her tough exterior fool you...she is s softee on the inside, but she certainly does not wear her emotions on her sleeve like I do.  She is an athlete and ultra competitive and I can barely dribble a ball.  Often times our distinct personalities lead to disagreements and we know how to push each other's buttons like only a sister can.  But here is the thing...I have shared my entire life with her.  She was there at some of the most wonderful moments I have celebrated.  When the pain was so hard that I thought I would never see my way out there she was waiting for me to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes we don't particularly like each other, but there is always love.

We all have people in our little worlds that make us wonder what God was thinking.  I am sure you know a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or even a family member that brings frustration because you cannot figure out what makes them tick. Often times we take on a superior attitude thinking if they would only open their eyes and see how things should be done then we could live in peace and harmony.  Through the ups and downs of my relationship with my older sister I have discovered so many truths.  It might be easier, but it would be boring, if we were all the same.  The unique perspective that others bring to our lives often opens our eyes to what was hidden.  For example, sometimes when we reminisce about our Dad she will have an entirely different take on a memory that we share.  Nicole has enriched my life by helping me step outside my comfort zone and see that there was a world outside my Barbie dream house.   Because we don't think the same way I have to really work at listening and communicating with her.  Sometimes we get irritated with each other, but I am so thankful that we always find a way to move past the issue and find a reason to laugh again. 

As you are reading these words, you might think of someone in your inner circle that is unlike anyone that you know.  Take a moment to thank God for placing them in your life.  Even after 38 years with my sis, I still am not an expert on the inner workings of Nicole V. Donahue.  I don't care anymore...in this moment...I am just extremely grateful for my Big/very little sistah. 



Nicole, Me, and Lee Lee
Who said being the middle child is an issue...I turned out so well adjusted...



KEEPING IT REAL

Reality television can certainly be addictive.  I always feel so much better about myself after I witness the crazy antics that go on in the lives of others.  The shows that really keep my attention are the ones where a person is using their talents to compete...think Project Runway, Top Chef, or America's Next Top Model.  I am never going to be a fashion designer (I could not even learn to sew in a community college class) and modeling or cooking...okay you don't have to laugh.  So why am I so intrigued? 

Basically, you can separate the contestants into two categories.  You either are super confident and act as if nobody other than you exists, or you are insecure, and therefore have to put others down to make yourself feel better.  You rarely see someone that just comes into the experience knowing who they are inside and feeling no threat from others.  The essence of competing is that we want to win and desire others to fail.  I cannot tell a lie, I love when the cast members turn on each other.  When they have those one on one video diaries where the person basically just tells you everything they are thinking.  Can you imagine if during some moment in our days we ducked into a bathroom and shared with a video crew how we felt about our neighbors, coworkers, or even family members?  Ugh...that could get really ugly. 

Life can sometimes feel like a competition when we constantly compare ourselves to others.  We are waiting for someone to hold up a paddle and give us a score.  We become exhausted because there is no end in sight...when are they going to announce the winner?  I kind of vacillate between the individual that is positive and self-assured and the scared victim that knows she can never succeed. Either way, I give far too much weight to what everyone else is doing around me.  I can easily get caught up in wanting praise and affirmation from the crowd that serves as my panel of judges.  What happens when we discover that we don't have what it takes to be on top?  How can we cope with the truth that we are miserable in our quest to please everyone?  Maybe we should retreat into a dark room with sickening amounts of snack food and hunker down for an all day marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians.  Yeah...that show captures my reality!!!

The truth is that God gave me unique qualities and circumstances that cannot be replicated by another human being alive.  Nobody can be a better Jamie Valvano Howard than me.  What a shame if I spent all my time trying to be like someone else and lost my purpose in the process.  I can learn quite a bit from opening my eyes and heart to the people that have been placed in my life, but nobody can guide my steps better than the One that knows every path I will travel.  I don't need to put anybody down so that I can get ahead.  Just think how we would make others feel if we embraced and celebrated the skills we saw in them without feeling like that gesture would somehow make our own lights appear dimmer.

Here and now think of yourself as the star of your own reality show.  The purpose of this journey is to share as much love and kindness with everyone that you meet.  Don't worry about the other contestants because they cannot alter the divine plan and purpose for your life.  Remember to use the gifts that you have been given to help you not only survive but to prosper as you move ahead. There is but one judge and although you might not always score a perfect 10, I promise you will have a reward in the end.  Oh, and about that video diary. When you feel so overwhelmed and you just need to get it all out before you explode...fall to your knees and start talking...no camera necessary. 





You are the star of something far more real than anything we see on television...



GO TEAM!!!

Athletics was a significant part of my childhood, but I never actually played a sport.  I failed to understand the impact that a quality coach can have on a young person.  As a parent I want my son to be involved in activities that will not only help him learn specific skills, but also develop his character and build self-esteem.  Jake just finished a season of Upward football and I am grateful for the men and women that helped create lasting imprints on our children.  A specific person that is worthy of praise is one of Jake's coaches, and our friend of over 15 years, Coach Chip.

The first thing you notice about Chip is the fact that he towers over you standing 6 feet 7 inches tall.  He is never at a loss for words and can talk about anything and everything under the sun.  Chip has a razor sharp wit and sarcasm and never tires of teasing me and Christine...I admit we continue to give him great material.  I don't even try to retaliate because I know I have no shot of holding my own against the master of the one liner.  I always knew that he was a terrific Dad, but I had never seen him interact with other children.  On the playing field I saw an entirely different side of him (one that I am sure he wanted me to share freely with anyone reading my blog).  As he instructed the boys and girls on his team about the fundamentals of football, he illuminated many ways in which I could be a more powerful parent.

The first thing I noticed was that he genuinely loved the kids.  He was enthusiastic about the task at hand. He acted as if there was no where he would rather be than out on the field with his team.  He gave them undivided attention.  I loved when I would see him tap a kid on the back or ruffle their hair.  He saw them as individuals that he wanted to get to know during the time they were together.  I know it is not easy trying to get a group of 9 and 10 year olds to pay attention, but I never saw Chip lose his patience.  He demanded respect and corrected the kids when they needed to be, but he did all of this with an ease that comes from someone that is secure with his place as a leader.  Without a doubt the most powerful trait he displayed was encouragement.  It is easy to clap your hands and say good job to someone that is actually doing well.  But Chip found something praiseworthy to say to every child no matter what they did out on the field.  Once he had made them feel valued, it opened the door for him to teach so that the next time things might go better.  He was more intent on building confidence in these young people than executing a play to perfection.

My son Jake becomes frustrated when things don't come naturally.  He started the season having already decided he was not going to do well.  If he was out of the field and he dropped a pass or could not get to a flag his shoulders would slump and he would look to the ground with disappointment.  That was when I would hear Coach Chip pointing out all the things that he had done right.  Coach let him know right then and there that he was important and "stuff happens" but you gotta stay in the game.  Last week, Jake played quarterback.  Matt and I arrived at the church excited but nervous at the same time.  Half the time I don't even know what is going on, but I can share with you that Jake played with confidence and rose to the challenge.  When there was a mistake, instead of staring at the ground, he looked to Chip to tell him what he needed to do.  In a thank you note he gave to Chip he wrote, "you always encouraged me to be the best that I can be."

The world is going to constantly show our children their faults and weaknesses.  They desperately need parents, coaches, teachers, and friends that build them up.  I want to be more like Coach Chip.  I will show up and be passionate about the time I have with my children.  I can be patient as my boys struggle to navigate the rough roads ahead.  They will not always do the right thing, but I have to use those moments to teach them what they can do differently the next time.  I want to be a mother that knows her place in her family and is firm and fair.  I have not been called to be Jake and Grant's best friend.  My task is to raise two boys that will hopefully become Godly men.  Finally, I want to be a cheerleader that shouts praise over them so loudly that the negative influences fade away. I find myself being all too quick to point out what my children are doing wrong, but sometimes I forget to share with them the unique gifts that allow both of them to shine.

I don't think I will ever know what if feels like to cut down a net or have a bucket of Gatorade poured over me after a big win, but I have felt the thrill of victory.  I saw it on my son's face when he threw for a touchdown and the coach, and more importantly his Dad, congratulated him on a job well done.  Thanks Coach Chip for sharing your talents and glorifying God in the process.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
-Proverbs 22:6 



PRAY BEFORE YOU PLAY!



DAILY PROTECTION

I hate my dishwasher.  Whenever I pull out the bottom basket to load the plates all four wheels fall to the floor and the entire thing comes off track.  A list of curse words go through my mind and sometimes I let out a scream while I search for the wheels and bend down to put them on the posts. I slide everything back into place and slam the door giving into the anger.

Whenever I am trying to make the beds I can never seem to get the fitted sheet on.  I put on the top right side and then move to the bottom left only to discover that it won't reach.  Silly me...I take the entire thing off and turn it around and try again, but somehow I seem to be back to where I started.  Maybe I need to begin at the bottom left and go to the top right...no that still does not work.  Okay...I will put both top ones on and then move to the bottom...almost got it...think this is it.  What IS going on...is this even the right size sheet?

This past weekend we purchased a new cabinet for our television.  We paid to have it put together and everything looked great...that was until the cable guy opened the door to put the box inside and one of the hinges broke right off.  The cabinet that only hours before was beautiful now represented everything that was wrong in my world.  Now, as I walk by, I see the one door just kind of hanging there useless and walk away in disgust.

I have openly shared with you some of the enormous challenges I have faced in my life, but sometimes it is the everyday aggravations that make it impossible to keep our peace.  Being stuck in traffic, waiting an hour for an appointment, stubbing your toe, breaking your nail, or burning your dinner.  All of these annoyances result in little cracks in our armor and leave us unprotected.  Then when we are faced with a life changing issue we wonder why we cannot muster the strength to do battle.  We are weary soldiers trudging through each day...but do we even know what we are fighting for?

We will never be able to enjoy our lives if we allow insignificant problems to eat away at our spirit.  Each morning, I allow God's grace to wash over me. I vow to forget the failures of yesterday and expect good things to happen in the new day.  I choose to dwell on the positive possibilities.  As soon as I get out of bed,  I find a million reasons to lose my joy. Some days I just want to crawl back under the covers, but I remind myself that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."  Every once in awhile the hours unfold effortlessly and I live with a confidence and ease.  But regardless of my circumstances, I am never alone.   In the midst of the conflicts I face, I must become a warrior.  Although I may lose a few battles... in the end there will be victory.

But you are a shield around me, O Lord...
Psalm 3:3

BOO!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.                                                                                        -Ambrose Redmoon


How appropriate to be thinking about the feeling of fear on Halloween.  No matter how hard I try the list of things that fill me with terror continue to grow.  Loving individuals sent positive thoughts while I was going through cancer treatment and the one above kept popping up over and over.  I would never dream of calling myself a courageous person, but this quote made me rethink the concept.

We live in a scary world.  Watch the news, read the paper, or chat with a neighbor and you are probably going to walk away a little shaken up.  Darkness is all around us, therefore we have to make a conscious decision to seek what is good.  Sitting across from a doctor telling me the horrors that were to come made my spirit tremble.  Looking at an MRI of my precious child's brain and hearing he will face a lifetime of challenges filled me with anxiety and dread.  Watching my cherished father leave this world left a scar on my heart that I doubted would ever heal.  I cannot pretend these horrible events did not occur, but must I face each day waiting for the next nightmare to begin?

When I experience panic I have learned to stand firm in something that I hold in such high esteem that a shadow is cast over the fear.  My faith and relationship with God allows me to work through my personal battles and discover the courage I desperately need.   2 Timothy 1:7 says...For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.   I have learned that God's strength is made perfect through my weakness, therefore through Him I have what I need to get through the tough stuff.   Some mornings I wake up and the heaviness sets in and I have to talk myself into feeling powerful, loved, and discriplined.

Next time you feel like you are in one of those horror movies where you are running wildly, screaming, and glancing behind you to see if the monster is gaining ground....take my advice...STOP!   Even if you cannot get rid of the creepy feeling entirely, decide that you can find the courage to not just survive but to conquer.

Happy Halloween......

A TIME FOR CHANGE

Yesterday I went to my 5 year checkup with my doctor with a list of complaints/worries to address with him.  There has to be a pill, patch, or elixir he can prescribe to take away all my discomfort and bring peace and wholeness to my existence.  I knew I was in trouble when the nurse started reading through some of the notes from my last appointment three months ago. 

Nurse:  Have you been taking your vitamin D and calcium daily?
Me:      Can you remind me again how much I am supposed to be taking?

Nurse:   How is the meditation and yoga working to control the anxiety and hot flashes?
Me:       I have been meaning to start that program...have read many articles about the benefits.

Nurse:   Is the Melatonin helping you sleep?
Me:       I have been sleeping horribly, but have not tried that supplement yet.

Nurse:  You have been exercising and eating well, right?
Me:      My kids have been out of school but now that they are back I can get right on that goal.

By the time Dr. Marcom walked into the office I openly admitted that I had done very little of the things that he had suggested. There is only one reason that I can come up with to explain my noncompliance...change is hard.  Maybe it is part of our genetic blueprint, but I see the inability to practice self care in many of my friends.  We wonder why we are so tired, depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed but refuse to invest in our own well being.  We willingly spend money on the outside package.  New clothes for every season, manicure, highlights for our hair, and makeup to give us a fake glow.  Our bodies and souls are crying out to be nurtured.  I have the tools and time but not even a diagnosis of cancer has made me alter some of the destructive habits in my life.  Nobody can make you stop and recognize the damage that you are doing to yourself, but what if we embarked on this path of change together?

Let's pick one thing we are going to do in the month of November that is going to bring some balance to our lives.  Here are some suggestions....exercise three times a week, read an inspirational book, go to bed an hour earlier, start taking vitamins, stop drinking soda, read your bible daily, establish a prayer time.....the list goes on and on.  We have to live with intention and decide here and now that altering our attitude can greatly influence our actions.  I grow weary of complaining, trudging through the day, having little patience for my children, and waiting for the 8:00 hour to come when I can rest.  Christine and I prayed this morning about not letting our circumstances dictate how we lived.  Make up your mind that you are worth the effort and there is nothing that will get in the way of you making this one small change.

Okay...so I will let you know what mine is going to be.  I don't want to to do it but I am going to begin to use meditation and yoga to battle these hormonal symptoms I am experiencing.  I have no problem jumping on a treadmill or lifting a weight but it just seems like such a waste of time to practice breathing.  I have trouble with anxiety but would rather pop a pill to mask the symptoms than listen to my body and what it is trying to tell me...ugh!  I promise to share my new adventure into the world of mindfulness ...I am a little scared to see what has been hiding up there all these years buried under the craziness.

Let me know what you are planning to do for yourself in November so I won't feel alone.  Be strong and take care of yourself.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

How about a little restoration?

THANK YOU LEE

I vividly recall my Mom sitting in a wheelchair holding a tiny bundle in her arms.  She motioned for me to come forward and meet my little sister, but I was far too filled with fear and uncertainty to move.  Once the new baby was settled at home, however, I fell in love with her.  Since I was 8 years older than Lee, our relationship was a combination big sister and mother rolled into one.  As a child LeeAnn sparkled with energy, creativity, and joy. We would spend hours playing in the imaginary worlds that she would create.  My youth would have been dull were it not for her magical gifts and through the years her spirit would continue to support my family.

We sat huddled on the bed together unable to comprehend how to move on without him.  The house was a whirlwind of activity as plans were made for the events of grieving.  I held her and promised that she would never be alone.  Hallow words coming from a 20 year old girl that had no idea how the future would unfold. I desperately wanted to be the caretaker that could ease the pain of those I loved.  The little girl that I vowed to protect would be the very person that would carry ME through my battles.

In 2005, LeeAnn was working as a teacher in New York and had just become engaged to her boyfriend Beau.  After years of celebrating marriages and the births of her nephews and niece, it was finally her time to take the spotlight.  I am ashamed that I never hesitated before I asked Lee to leave her job and Beau to come take care of me for the three months that I would endure cancer treatment.  My oldest son, Jake, was just starting kindergarten. Grant was almost 3, but still could not walk and had therapy several times a week.  Both of them needed a full time Mom and I doubted I would be able to even take care of myself.  During a phone conversation I cried out to my sister, "I need you," and so she pushed aside her world and came to hold up mine.

You will have to wait for my book to be published to read about our three months together.  In an instant LeeAnn had to become a nurse, mother, counselor, chef, housewife, friend, and angel.  I would love to hear her account of our time together...but I will tell you from my point of view I was a HORRIBLE patient.  In the morning, as she got the kids ready for school, I would call out from my bed and criticize the outfits she had put on the children.  I had to remind her how to comb their hair, to vacuum the carpet if a crumb fell on the floor, and when to make the perfect snack that would settle my stomach during chemo.  I am laughing as I am writing this because the only way that Lee and Matt could make it through the day would be to drink large amounts of red wine and trade stories about "the patient."

There were moments that were so raw and precious that I shiver just thinking about them.  Sitting on the cold bathroom floor while she held me as Matt shaved my head.  I was extremely self-conscious about anyone seeing my scarred chest or bald head.  One day as we sat waiting for the oncologist she looked at me from the across the room and whispered, "you are beautiful."  Perhaps the best gift she brought to me was her soon to be husband Beau.  It would be impossible to detail the mysteries of Bo Bo with a short blog...but there has always been an ease and comfort that I feel in his presence.  When he would come to visit laughter would fill my home and I felt more alive than I had in months.  Both of them poured out their love and cared for my children in a way that enabled all of us to feel safe.  In the darkest moments of my life, my sister fed my soul and helped bring me back from the brink of disaster.

My sister is one of the most fascinating people I have ever met.  We are alike in many ways but different enough to keep me guessing about her next move.  I admire so many things about her but what I treasure the most is the fact that she is.... REAL.  She wakes up in the morning and washes her face puts on some gloss and leaves her curly hair to dry naturally.  That smile wins you over as she slowly draws you closer.   Her flaws are not hidden from anyone but only serve to add color and depth to her brilliance.  She loves to argue, is obsessed with food (especially pork), and can find the dramatic element in even the most mundane of activities.  When I am in her presence I simply want to be cuddled and mothered.   I love LeeAnn because she is my little sister, but I thank God for the little angel that has always been MY protector.




The Dynamic Duo of Lee and Beau Beau



My sister and me