NICOLE AND JAMIE

Laverne and Shirley...Bert and Ernie...Wilma and Betty...Lucy and Ethel...Hannah Montana and Lola...dynamic duos that go together like peanut butter and jelly.  My older sister Nicole and I are only three years apart and should have walked through our childhood arm in arm.  There was only one issue...we are as different as day and night.  I had a pink huffy bicycle with tassels flowing from the handles and Nicole's bike was black.  When my mom wanted to dress us alike I wore the jumper/dress version and she wore the pants ensemble.  I danced ballet.  She played basketball.  I styled my long hair in fashionable braids or pigtails.  Nicole wore her hair short (think Dorothy Hamill) and usually hid under a baseball cap.  I had a million pretend friends and the part that Nicole played in my fantasy world was my son Mikey Miller...need I say more. A tomboy and a princess tied by the bonds of sisterhood forever.

As we grew up, we never uncovered a reason to separate.  Nicole and I attended the same college, were members of Sigma Kappa sorority, shared an apartment, were married within a year of each other, and had our children about a year apart.  We have so many similar experiences that you would think that we would be like two peas in a pod.  However, everyday I wonder how the heck we came from the same two parents. Nicole is 5 feet tall and I am 5 feet 9 inches.  She is like a size 0 and let's just say I am in the double digit range.  She has the mind of a chemist and the ability to get things done.  I have the heart of a dreamer and can waste a day just thinking about what I would like to accomplish.  Don't let her tough exterior fool you...she is s softee on the inside, but she certainly does not wear her emotions on her sleeve like I do.  She is an athlete and ultra competitive and I can barely dribble a ball.  Often times our distinct personalities lead to disagreements and we know how to push each other's buttons like only a sister can.  But here is the thing...I have shared my entire life with her.  She was there at some of the most wonderful moments I have celebrated.  When the pain was so hard that I thought I would never see my way out there she was waiting for me to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes we don't particularly like each other, but there is always love.

We all have people in our little worlds that make us wonder what God was thinking.  I am sure you know a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or even a family member that brings frustration because you cannot figure out what makes them tick. Often times we take on a superior attitude thinking if they would only open their eyes and see how things should be done then we could live in peace and harmony.  Through the ups and downs of my relationship with my older sister I have discovered so many truths.  It might be easier, but it would be boring, if we were all the same.  The unique perspective that others bring to our lives often opens our eyes to what was hidden.  For example, sometimes when we reminisce about our Dad she will have an entirely different take on a memory that we share.  Nicole has enriched my life by helping me step outside my comfort zone and see that there was a world outside my Barbie dream house.   Because we don't think the same way I have to really work at listening and communicating with her.  Sometimes we get irritated with each other, but I am so thankful that we always find a way to move past the issue and find a reason to laugh again. 

As you are reading these words, you might think of someone in your inner circle that is unlike anyone that you know.  Take a moment to thank God for placing them in your life.  Even after 38 years with my sis, I still am not an expert on the inner workings of Nicole V. Donahue.  I don't care anymore...in this moment...I am just extremely grateful for my Big/very little sistah. 



Nicole, Me, and Lee Lee
Who said being the middle child is an issue...I turned out so well adjusted...



KEEPING IT REAL

Reality television can certainly be addictive.  I always feel so much better about myself after I witness the crazy antics that go on in the lives of others.  The shows that really keep my attention are the ones where a person is using their talents to compete...think Project Runway, Top Chef, or America's Next Top Model.  I am never going to be a fashion designer (I could not even learn to sew in a community college class) and modeling or cooking...okay you don't have to laugh.  So why am I so intrigued? 

Basically, you can separate the contestants into two categories.  You either are super confident and act as if nobody other than you exists, or you are insecure, and therefore have to put others down to make yourself feel better.  You rarely see someone that just comes into the experience knowing who they are inside and feeling no threat from others.  The essence of competing is that we want to win and desire others to fail.  I cannot tell a lie, I love when the cast members turn on each other.  When they have those one on one video diaries where the person basically just tells you everything they are thinking.  Can you imagine if during some moment in our days we ducked into a bathroom and shared with a video crew how we felt about our neighbors, coworkers, or even family members?  Ugh...that could get really ugly. 

Life can sometimes feel like a competition when we constantly compare ourselves to others.  We are waiting for someone to hold up a paddle and give us a score.  We become exhausted because there is no end in sight...when are they going to announce the winner?  I kind of vacillate between the individual that is positive and self-assured and the scared victim that knows she can never succeed. Either way, I give far too much weight to what everyone else is doing around me.  I can easily get caught up in wanting praise and affirmation from the crowd that serves as my panel of judges.  What happens when we discover that we don't have what it takes to be on top?  How can we cope with the truth that we are miserable in our quest to please everyone?  Maybe we should retreat into a dark room with sickening amounts of snack food and hunker down for an all day marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians.  Yeah...that show captures my reality!!!

The truth is that God gave me unique qualities and circumstances that cannot be replicated by another human being alive.  Nobody can be a better Jamie Valvano Howard than me.  What a shame if I spent all my time trying to be like someone else and lost my purpose in the process.  I can learn quite a bit from opening my eyes and heart to the people that have been placed in my life, but nobody can guide my steps better than the One that knows every path I will travel.  I don't need to put anybody down so that I can get ahead.  Just think how we would make others feel if we embraced and celebrated the skills we saw in them without feeling like that gesture would somehow make our own lights appear dimmer.

Here and now think of yourself as the star of your own reality show.  The purpose of this journey is to share as much love and kindness with everyone that you meet.  Don't worry about the other contestants because they cannot alter the divine plan and purpose for your life.  Remember to use the gifts that you have been given to help you not only survive but to prosper as you move ahead. There is but one judge and although you might not always score a perfect 10, I promise you will have a reward in the end.  Oh, and about that video diary. When you feel so overwhelmed and you just need to get it all out before you explode...fall to your knees and start talking...no camera necessary. 





You are the star of something far more real than anything we see on television...



GO TEAM!!!

Athletics was a significant part of my childhood, but I never actually played a sport.  I failed to understand the impact that a quality coach can have on a young person.  As a parent I want my son to be involved in activities that will not only help him learn specific skills, but also develop his character and build self-esteem.  Jake just finished a season of Upward football and I am grateful for the men and women that helped create lasting imprints on our children.  A specific person that is worthy of praise is one of Jake's coaches, and our friend of over 15 years, Coach Chip.

The first thing you notice about Chip is the fact that he towers over you standing 6 feet 7 inches tall.  He is never at a loss for words and can talk about anything and everything under the sun.  Chip has a razor sharp wit and sarcasm and never tires of teasing me and Christine...I admit we continue to give him great material.  I don't even try to retaliate because I know I have no shot of holding my own against the master of the one liner.  I always knew that he was a terrific Dad, but I had never seen him interact with other children.  On the playing field I saw an entirely different side of him (one that I am sure he wanted me to share freely with anyone reading my blog).  As he instructed the boys and girls on his team about the fundamentals of football, he illuminated many ways in which I could be a more powerful parent.

The first thing I noticed was that he genuinely loved the kids.  He was enthusiastic about the task at hand. He acted as if there was no where he would rather be than out on the field with his team.  He gave them undivided attention.  I loved when I would see him tap a kid on the back or ruffle their hair.  He saw them as individuals that he wanted to get to know during the time they were together.  I know it is not easy trying to get a group of 9 and 10 year olds to pay attention, but I never saw Chip lose his patience.  He demanded respect and corrected the kids when they needed to be, but he did all of this with an ease that comes from someone that is secure with his place as a leader.  Without a doubt the most powerful trait he displayed was encouragement.  It is easy to clap your hands and say good job to someone that is actually doing well.  But Chip found something praiseworthy to say to every child no matter what they did out on the field.  Once he had made them feel valued, it opened the door for him to teach so that the next time things might go better.  He was more intent on building confidence in these young people than executing a play to perfection.

My son Jake becomes frustrated when things don't come naturally.  He started the season having already decided he was not going to do well.  If he was out of the field and he dropped a pass or could not get to a flag his shoulders would slump and he would look to the ground with disappointment.  That was when I would hear Coach Chip pointing out all the things that he had done right.  Coach let him know right then and there that he was important and "stuff happens" but you gotta stay in the game.  Last week, Jake played quarterback.  Matt and I arrived at the church excited but nervous at the same time.  Half the time I don't even know what is going on, but I can share with you that Jake played with confidence and rose to the challenge.  When there was a mistake, instead of staring at the ground, he looked to Chip to tell him what he needed to do.  In a thank you note he gave to Chip he wrote, "you always encouraged me to be the best that I can be."

The world is going to constantly show our children their faults and weaknesses.  They desperately need parents, coaches, teachers, and friends that build them up.  I want to be more like Coach Chip.  I will show up and be passionate about the time I have with my children.  I can be patient as my boys struggle to navigate the rough roads ahead.  They will not always do the right thing, but I have to use those moments to teach them what they can do differently the next time.  I want to be a mother that knows her place in her family and is firm and fair.  I have not been called to be Jake and Grant's best friend.  My task is to raise two boys that will hopefully become Godly men.  Finally, I want to be a cheerleader that shouts praise over them so loudly that the negative influences fade away. I find myself being all too quick to point out what my children are doing wrong, but sometimes I forget to share with them the unique gifts that allow both of them to shine.

I don't think I will ever know what if feels like to cut down a net or have a bucket of Gatorade poured over me after a big win, but I have felt the thrill of victory.  I saw it on my son's face when he threw for a touchdown and the coach, and more importantly his Dad, congratulated him on a job well done.  Thanks Coach Chip for sharing your talents and glorifying God in the process.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
-Proverbs 22:6 



PRAY BEFORE YOU PLAY!



DAILY PROTECTION

I hate my dishwasher.  Whenever I pull out the bottom basket to load the plates all four wheels fall to the floor and the entire thing comes off track.  A list of curse words go through my mind and sometimes I let out a scream while I search for the wheels and bend down to put them on the posts. I slide everything back into place and slam the door giving into the anger.

Whenever I am trying to make the beds I can never seem to get the fitted sheet on.  I put on the top right side and then move to the bottom left only to discover that it won't reach.  Silly me...I take the entire thing off and turn it around and try again, but somehow I seem to be back to where I started.  Maybe I need to begin at the bottom left and go to the top right...no that still does not work.  Okay...I will put both top ones on and then move to the bottom...almost got it...think this is it.  What IS going on...is this even the right size sheet?

This past weekend we purchased a new cabinet for our television.  We paid to have it put together and everything looked great...that was until the cable guy opened the door to put the box inside and one of the hinges broke right off.  The cabinet that only hours before was beautiful now represented everything that was wrong in my world.  Now, as I walk by, I see the one door just kind of hanging there useless and walk away in disgust.

I have openly shared with you some of the enormous challenges I have faced in my life, but sometimes it is the everyday aggravations that make it impossible to keep our peace.  Being stuck in traffic, waiting an hour for an appointment, stubbing your toe, breaking your nail, or burning your dinner.  All of these annoyances result in little cracks in our armor and leave us unprotected.  Then when we are faced with a life changing issue we wonder why we cannot muster the strength to do battle.  We are weary soldiers trudging through each day...but do we even know what we are fighting for?

We will never be able to enjoy our lives if we allow insignificant problems to eat away at our spirit.  Each morning, I allow God's grace to wash over me. I vow to forget the failures of yesterday and expect good things to happen in the new day.  I choose to dwell on the positive possibilities.  As soon as I get out of bed,  I find a million reasons to lose my joy. Some days I just want to crawl back under the covers, but I remind myself that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."  Every once in awhile the hours unfold effortlessly and I live with a confidence and ease.  But regardless of my circumstances, I am never alone.   In the midst of the conflicts I face, I must become a warrior.  Although I may lose a few battles... in the end there will be victory.

But you are a shield around me, O Lord...
Psalm 3:3