ONE WORD

The presents have all been opened.  Precious relatives have returned home.  My excuse for binge eating has disappeared.  It is official...another Christmas has come and gone.  I feel full with contentment.  And yet, uneasiness seems to be standing on the sidelines whispering....work is coming, bills have to be paid, decisions need to be made, weight has to be lost, changes are coming...are you ready?  I am stuck between looking back over the past year with regret OR facing the unknown of the future filled with anxiety.  I stumbled upon a suggestion in a magazine article that has brought me a bit of peace.

In the January issue of Guideposts magazine, author Debbie Macomber reveals a yearly tradition.  She writes:
Every year I choose one word to focus on and live by.  These words have comforted me, challenged me and brought me closer to God.  They have changed me.  I've used them in my prayers, written about them in my journals, and discussed them with my friends. 

One year the author was struggling with her weight and she chose the word HUNGER.  When she was facing marital struggles she chose PRAYER.  She allowed those words to shape her daily walk with God and the lessons she learned touched every area of her life.  By the end of the article, MY WORD washed over me.  My anxiety was quickly replaced with a sense of awe and excitement about what God was going to reveal to me in the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

I began to ask the people in my life to reveal the word they would choose. Each and every one of them instantly shared what I believe was a need from deep inside of them.  The challenge is not coming up with the word, but is refusing to lose our focus when life begins to overwhelm us.  Write the word on paper and post it around your home.  Speak the word in your prayers and meditate on what it would look like if you allowed that word to change you. Open your heart to how God is speaking to you and really listen.

In 2012, whenever I start to lose my way I am certain that one word will put me back on the path of healing and discovery.  I will let you know what I uncover along the way....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

WHAT IS YOUR WORD FOR 2012?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

I stood back to admire my creative vision. The lights were  magically twinkling, the cherished ornaments had been hung with love, and the professionally created bows sat atop the freshly cut tree.  I imagined sitting in front of a roaring fire and soaking in the peace and joy of the holiday season.  Even though I once again find myself facing a challenge in my world (big suprise) the tree represented the beaty that is always present even in the midst of struggle.  I curled up under a blanket on the couch and admired the vibrant reds and golds that sparkled....ahhhhhh.

From the catwalk on the second floor I glanced at my Christmas masterpeice and a wave of doom washed over me.  I angled my head and squinted my eyes to confrim the sad truth...from where I stood...without a doubt...the tree was leaning to the right.  A LEANING CHRISTMAS TREE!!!  Where had I gone wrong?  Was the tree heavier on one side?  Was it going to fall over and ruin all my glass trinkets?  Should I start over from the beginning?  Was it a tree defect that could not be fixed?  I walked away trying to calm my nerves and soon realized that from every other angle the tree was straight. It was only from that one specific spot that an imperfection was revealed.  I moved on to decorate the mantle and hang the wreath on the door, but somehow I kept going back to the one vantage point of the "leaning tree."  The days passed and friends and family came to visit. I would quickly point out to them that athough it might look like the tree was crooked it actually was fine if you stood straight in front of it.  Then I would place them in the exact location where they needed to stand in order to prove that what I was saying was the truth.

 Do you ever examine your life and make a list of all the things you wish you could change?  Do you catalog the relationships, thoughts, and emotions that don't line up with the vision you had for yourself?  I celebrate the fact that although I make a living as a teacher, it is the role of student that keeps me in a constant state of discovery.  We don't ever have to stay stuck in a place of pain or sadness.  Through the word of God, prayers, love, friendships, and rest we can get a fresh perspective on our lives. God can lead us to the place where we need to dwell in order to receive all of His riches. Just like that sad spot on the top of my stairs, we often go back to the same places that have caused us the most pain.  God desires to give us all a fresh look, a new perspective, and HOPE for our futures. 

For the rest of Decemeber you will find me in a darkened room sitting in front of my beautiful Christmas tree.  May you find the exact location that allows you to soak in the beauty that is ever present in your own life.

LESSON PLANS

My trackout is coming to an end this week.  I was up at 3 AM thinking about ways to teach my 7th graders about the Middle East, pronouns, how to write an essay, and strengthen their reading comprehension.  Sometimes I feel as if teaching is like a Broadway show and I get caught up in creating a flashy presentation.  I imagine myself accepting an award for best original lesson plan in the category of nonfiction genre and get goose bumps all over.  Yesterday, I was reminded of what every child's hidden desire truly is...they want to be cherished.

I arrived at school to pick up my son and neighbor at a service club meeting and ran into a few of my students.  We greeted each other like long lost friends as we shared what had been going on in our lives over the past few weeks.  When I caught the eye of a boy across the room chatting with his friends I was unsure whether I should acknowledge him...he broke into a huge smile and waved his hand overhead like he was hailing a helicopter.  I walked away with butterflies in my stomach reassured that I did not need to spend hours creating the perfect lesson.  In fact, sometimes I need to throw my plans in the trash and talk to the young people that I have been blessed to meet.  I want to learn about their thoughts, desires, and struggles.  I want to remember the color of their eyes along with their end of grade test scores.  Sometimes it is the fear of our own inadequacies that keeps us from really connecting with those people in our lives.  When we make our jobs and relationships more about the people that we serve and not about our own success, I believe we will find a deeper enjoyment and contentment from how we spend the hours of our day. 

I guess I can stop working on the costumes and puppet show I was going to create in order to teach some simple grammar rules.  The acceptance speech for my teacher/mother/wife/human being of the year can be put aside for now.  My focus must shift away from me in order to show the people in my world that they are cherished.  My break from work has been wonderful but I am eager to see my students and resume our learning adventure together.  Talk to me in a couple of weeks when 90 middle schoolers have beaten me down...Ha Ha! 

A PRAISE FOR CREATION

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14



I just got back from New York where I spent the last three days celebrating and planning for the arrival of my nephew Rocco.  My sister LeeAnn and her husband Beau are having their first child in a few weeks.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I held my newborn babies in my arms and marveled at the miracle of life.  As I placed my hand on Lee's pregnant belly, I just kept saying, "how is there a baby in there?"  

Praise comes so easily from us as we are welcoming a precious baby into our family. But as the years go by we tend to forget that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  I don't feel all that wonderful as I am wrestling to put on a pair of spanx and slide into a skirt that has become just a tad snug.  The miracle of Jake is forgotten when he tells me at 9:00 at night that he forgot to work on a project that is due the next day.  As I battle illness and watch others I love suffer, I don't feel much like praising God for his creations.  And yet, praise is exactly what I need to take down the doubt that secretly lingers at every turn.

Psalm 139 goes on to say...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Not only was our creator personally involved in the formation of our bodies, but an account has already been made of every breath.  What a comfort that we can rest in the knowledge that we are so loved and cherished.  I anticipate that I will shed tears of gratitude when I hold Rocco in my arms for the first time, but in this moment I celebrate the beautiful tapestry that is my life.  Every single moment, even the dark days, will come together to create something beautiful.  Often I am so caught up in every little thread and detail that I cannot see the bigger work that will one day be complete.  I am so grateful that I don't have to worry about the final product as I remind myself that His works are wonderful I know that full well!



Beau and Lee show off their bellies!!!



 

YOU ROCK!!!

Matt and the boys play a game whenever they are in the car together.  Spotting a red, blue, and the rare yellow car are worth a certain amount of points.  Just like putting on your seat belt, Grant believes that this activity is now mandatory for anyone riding in our vehicle.  It is hard trying to have a conversation while your son is screaming out, "yellow one, red one, another red one, blue one..." I have long since given up on the game and just praise Grant that he is so far ahead in the point total. 

This morning at 8:00 AM sharp I left to take Jake, Grant and our neighbors to the elementary and middle school down the street.  I was barely awake and paid little attention to the competition of one that was going on in the back seat.  As we pulled up to a stop light a line of about 10 yellow buses came into view across the street.  Grant quickly shouted out, "yellow school bus" 10 times and then with a little fist pump whispered to himself, "Yes, I rock!"  I could not help but laugh out loud as I witnessed Grant's pride and celebration through the rear view mirror.  Our neighbor, Joshua, even had a chuckle realizing that you have to be quick to beat Grant Howard.

When was the last time you pumped YOUR fist in the air and declared aloud...I ROCK!  Let me see for me that would be...let me think a moment...how about NEVER.  I am quick to make a mental list of all the ways I am falling short of all my imaginary expectations, but somehow I don't believe I have the right to pat myself on the back.  Indulge me for a moment....I am a six year breast cancer survivor, a dedicated teacher that truly cares about each and every student in my room, a creative spirit that constantly dreams of new ideas and lessons, a loving mother that is present daily for my two boys, a wife that prays for growth and discovery in her marriage, a considerate friend that seeks to bless those in my life,   a sister that supports her two sisters along their journey, a nurturing daughter, a believer that looks for ways to worship and praise, ....am I perfect in any of these areas in my life?...NO!   

I know that I will never have the self-esteem that my son Grant possesses, but just for a moment I am going to celebrate where I am in this moment and guess what...I ROCK.  I smiled when I typed that message to myself.  I am going to carry that smile with me the rest of the day....



GRANT ROCKS!



DANCING, COOKING, DR. DREW, AND SVU

Being tracked out from school/work gives me the time to meditate, exercise, organize my house, scrapbook, and just bring everything in my world into clear focus again.   I said I have the time to do all those things, but most days you will find me curled up under a blanket watching television.  I get so caught up in the stories on the screen that my mind gets a break from my own reality.  Always the student, I have discovered some pearls of wisdom hidden in some of my favorite shows that I would like to share at this time. 

Hell's Kitchen/Master Chef:  Gordon Ramsey is the Simon Cowell of the kitchen.  He yells, screams, throws food in the trash, and demeans individuals that put their heart and soul into their culinary creations.  I am drawn to his passion and ability to speak the truth.  I am not saying that I want to be yelled at or that I should scream at my loved ones...but perhaps I would not spend so much time on the couch if I had a Gordon Ramsey in my life.  These shows have taught me that there is such a thing as tough love and fear can sometimes bring out the best in us.  Oh, and I also learned that I am a horrible cook.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew:    All kidding aside, this show highlights that hideous ways that addiction affects our lives.  Sadly, drug and alcohol use is encouraged and accepted in our society.  Surrender is a huge lesson that the addicts must embrace on the show.  I use so many things to numb the pain that I have in my own life and know that I must begin to let go so that I can have a life of freedom.  I also discovered why Lindsay Lohan is such a mess...yes addiction does run in families.  The best gift we can give our children is to take care of our own stuff so that we don't pass it on to the next generation.

So You Think You Can Dance:   This entertaining show proves that dance is alive and that I am a broken down mess that can barely get out of bed in the morning.  The choreography, music, and competition are all entertaining but it is the bodies that keep me tuning in.  I imagine this is how God intended us to look like before we decide to become gluttons.  I know that Matt will never run around in tight jeans, bare chested, with toes pointed all the while lifting my perfectly sculpted body through the air...but a girl can dream can't she?

American Pickers:  Mike and Frank are two friends that travel across the United States and pick through other people's trash to find treasures.  There is a historical aspect of this show that is interesting as the viewers learn information about toys, bicycles, guns, and cars from years gone by.  Getting a peek into the lives of people from all walks of life is entertaining.  The hot tattooed girl, Danni D, that tells these guys where to travel to "pick" is Matt's favorite part of the show.  Considering I throw everything out after about a week I don't think these guys will be coming to my door anytime, but this show proves that old things and the stories they hold are indeed treasures.

Law and Order:  I will watch any L&O that happens to be on, but my real passion is Special Victims Unit.  The subject matter is disgusting, but the characters are like part of my family.  Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson rocks a tight shirt and gun holster like no other woman.  I like her best in the old versions with her short hair and perfect lip liner.  Christoper Meloni as Elliot Stabler, is the military man turned bad ass cop.  I don't know when he has time to workout but he is rock hard.  Elliot is married and has 4 kids but he spends so much time at work that I always hoped something would happen between him and Olivia.  You throw in Finn and Munch and you got yourself a dream team!  My sister and I think there is something about the "tink tink" that comes on in the beginning that hypnotizes you and makes you have to watch the show.  How else can I explain watching the same episode like 10 times.  If I could get back the hours I have spent on this show I am sure that I would have my own book written by now.  I am powerless...I must watch SVU over and over and over and over....Honestly, I don't think there is way I can spin this obsession and actually pretend I have learned anything from the show. 

Now that  you have had a peek into the productive days of Jamie Howard, I am certain you will never read this blog again.  When I start to beat myself up about all the time I have wasted I watch an episode of Hoarders and see how messy those people are and then feel better about myself.  I gotta run because I have a very busy day ahead of me today.  Got a few American Pickers on the DVR and then the SVU marathon starts after lunch. 

BLOWING IN THE WIND

If you have ever noticed a piece of paper tumbling in the wind you can relate to how I am feeling these days.  Lately, I have been drifting.  Grief, change, and constant toil have left little time for reflection and recovery. Although much has been accomplished...I have lost sight of my center.  What anchors you when the craziness of life threatens to blow you away?  Where is your resting place when you are in need of a fresh outlook?  In the midst of constant change, what is the one thing that remains?

I have spent the last 6 months working with the most wonderful group of people.  I especially have bonded with two teachers on my team.  I have thanked God daily for giving me such a special gift and blessing my life so richly with these new friendships.  Last week, I had to leave the school and people that have become so dear to me.  I have shed so many tears over the weekend.  I was lucky enough to get another position, but have been acting like a spoiled child that has had to leave the toy store without a present.  I wanted to stay at my old school!  I wanted to be with these precious people that I have grown to love!   My job had become the anchor that brought meaning to my days.  Naturally, when it was taken away I became lost. Instead of preparing myself for the miracles that will come with my new adventure, I have been spending my days grieving the losses of yesterday.  I have not just focused on the job, but decided to make a mental tally of ALL of the wrongs that I have experienced. 

This blog serves as my wake up call...it is time to throw down the anchor and stand firm on the divine place where I am today.  I know WHO is my protector and all the wind, rain, pain, loss, change, challenges...will never alter the path that He has for me.  Are you in need of a protector?


The Lord protects you; The Lord is a shelter right by your side.  The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever more.

Psalm 121

SUPERMOM...NOT!

This goes out to all the mother's that DON'T have perfect children.  I am writing to those women that DON'T have all the answers and some days feel like they are just making it through the day.  I applaud those of you that sat down on Mother's Day with a nice cup of tea and sighed with contentment drinking in the oasis of peace and joy that is your world.  The rest of us might have been drinking something a big stronger and yelling at our kids to sit still while we try to capture a photo of our little angels. 

I have only been a mother for 11 years, and just when I think I have mastered one stage my boys throw me a curve ball.  Motherhood is not a perfect science and since every child is unique it is hard to even offer advice to my fellow warriors...so I won't even try.  What I will say, however, is that I am finding the key to my contentment as a mother has nothing to do with my children. Let me see if any of these things ring a bell....do  you think you are a successful mother if your children...

Make all A's in school, only create friendships with young people that are kind and respectful, never make mistakes, pray daily, practice their instruments without being reminded, are leaders not followers, receive awards, are well liked by their peers, make the sports teams, graduate at the top of their class, are never disrespectful, clean their rooms, don't talk back, treat their siblings with love, always say please and thank you, (I have not even gotten to the teenage years yet)!

The truth is if we solely judge our success as a parent on the success of our children then we are guiding our family toward destruction. Who even sets the standards for how our offspring measure up?  The world?  Our own dreams for our children?   Unfortunately, our children are not robots and we don't have a  road map on how to get them into adulthood without any major mishaps.  So what is a loving mother to do?

I have decided to take the focus off of my boys and place it on my journey as a parent. I desire to stand firm and battle daily to not let the circumstances that my children face change my stance.  On Mother's Day, I did not look at my children to assess how I was "performing" as a mother.  I looked in the mirror and then hit my knees and asked God for wisdom and guidance.  Perhaps you find yourself going through a rough patch with your child and some days want to throw in the towel.  Keep repeating to yourself...this too shall pass.  There is so much swirling around our children and whether they admit it or not they need a strong, unshakable foundation.

I am going to make many mistakes as a parent, but I have this secret fantasy that I will only share privately on facebook.  One day, I am going to be sitting with my sons reminiscing about he past.  Jake will say something like, "Mom, I don't know how you and Dad held it together with all that life threw at you."  Grant will add, "I know, everyone told you I would struggle and look at how good my life is today."  That is when I will tell them my secret.  God walked beside me and carried me through those days when I could barely take a step.  Until then, I am still going to let them believe I am superMOM...knowing full well that GOD deserves all the glory.

Nicole, Me, and our ANGELS!!!

LOVE ONE ANOTHER

I had a restless night.  Over the past six months, someone I love has suffered two major losses.  Have you ever faced a powerful, aching, overwhelming sadness?  An emotion that brings you to your knees and renders you unable of doing little more than breathing in and out.  How inadequate I feel in these situations where there are no solutions in sight.  I either avoid the darkness all together for fear that somehow if I get too close it will rub off on me, or I dive right in and lose myself in the faulty thinking that I can be a savior. 

In the midst of making my lists of ways I intended to help my loved ones, I decided to consult the only true healer and open up my bible.  Imagine my surprise when I turned to Mark chapter 12 and read clearly what I am called to do for others.  LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.  I meditated on those words last night and this morning and decided to reach out to the person in the middle of the storm.  Two things were on my heart...first let him know he is cared for and loved and second ask HIM what HE needs.  I intend to continue to pray for peace and healing for his entire family, but I have given up the notion that I know what is needed.  God asked me last night to simply love him...but there is nothing simple about that request.  I have to get rid of my ideas and allow God to reveal to me how I can be of service. 

When was the last time you turned to a friend, spouse, child, parent and asked, "how can I love you?"  We have not been asked to speculate, heal, fix, or manipulate....we have been called to love.  My heart is still aching for the list of people all around me that are facing such unbelievable situations.  And yet, I am filled with hope.  I know the ONE that comforts the brokenhearted and I am loved.  Find someone in your world today that needs a hug...I love you!

SOMEBODY IS WATCHING YOU!

January 5, 2011

Fear washed over me as I faced the first day of work.  The school parking lot was empty since the early bell would not ring for another 15 mintues.  The clock glowed 6:45 AM .... the time that Christine and I had set aside for quiet. Today, I knew I needed an extra dose of peace and grace to calm my nerves.  I bowed my head, closed my eyes, took a deep breath..... 

April 28, 2011

Prayer has changed MY very existence.  Prayer has sustained ME. Prayer has allowed ME to hear the whispers of God.  Even when I lift loved ones up, somehow eventually the focus seems to always come back to ME (that will not come as a shock to anyone that knows me well). 

Imagine my surprise when  one day a coworker asked me if I was a spy.  I thought she was referencing the fact that I wore black everyday, but that is a whole seperate issue.  She actually wanted to know why I sat in my car in an empty parking lot whispering into my cell phone every morning.  I shared with her a little about my relationship with Christine and how we had been praying together for over 4 years.   She was honestly interested and asked many questions that got me thinking. I have been so touched by our conversation and in particular one poignant question keeps chasing me..."Why do you pray?"

Has praying become a habit?  Is it jolt to get my day going like a cup of coffee? Am I afraid that if I don't pour out all my concerns and worries everyday God will somehow forget me?  Am I just trying to get my way in specific situations? Do I just want to talk to Christine without the kids interrupting?  A precious exchange with a new aquaintance made me dig a little deeper.

I pray to remind myself to keep my eyes on Him.  There is no need to remind the Creator that I need a little attention.  I am the one that loses focus.  To truly be changed I must lose myself...lay it all at His feet...focus on how I can be used to bless others.  Outwardly, my new friend might have walked away impressed with my obedience.  How many people around us can say that we are actually "walking the walk" and not just praying the talk?  Don't get me wrong, I am not beating myself up at all.  I am actually energized and blessed beyond words.  God reminded me that he is always watching and I don't want to miss a moment where I can bless someone and bring Him glory.

OUR INNER FLAMES

As I looked into the faces of the 87 students that filtered through my class each week I marveled at the myriad of emotions that washed over me.  There were the energetic children that seemed excited and content with life.  The cool kids that were far more interested in their peers than anything I had to offer.  Those students organized and prepared for every question I presented.  Shy girls that barely looked me in the eye but had magic hidden inside that would blossom with the passing years.  Handsome and polite young men that reminded me of the two young boys I was raising at home.  And yet, one type of student haunted me.  The young person that sat at their desk with no sense of purpose.   It seemed the light in the center of their being was gone.  Depressed and apathetic they simply went through the motions of the day.  I heard stories of sad and troubled situations and my heart ached for each and every one of them.  I wanted to tell them that no matter what life brings they can thrive.  I wanted them to feel loved and cherished, but instead I had to stick to my lesson plans...or did I?

One of my Dad's favorite quotes was from Albert Schweitzer....Sometimes our flame goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.  There are far too many children living with hopelessness and depression.  I wanted to blame the parents of the children in my class for their condition, but I was convicted when I thought about the way in which I live.  Do my children see me only struggling and complaining?  Do I share with them the joys and successes or only the hardships?  Do they see me living with gratitude and joy...praising God no matter the circumstances?  Have I lost the ability to laugh and play with my kids?  Can they see my spiritual flame flickering and bringing light to a world in need of love?  I want to be the type of wife, parent, friend, child, and teacher that lifts people up.  I am so thankful that I am still warmed by the Holy Spirit that has enabled me to endure and press on through some tough stuff.

Each of you have the ability to impact the lives of the people around you.  Please take special care with the children that come into your world.  They need our support so that they can reach their full potential.  I am not naive enough to believe that in a few short months I can change the direction of the young people in my class...but I am going to give it my best shot.  Pray that I can spark something inside of them that allows them to see past their circumstances and dream for a bright future.  I pray the same for you...let your light shine today.

COMFORT OR COURAGE

I have been marinating in thoughts of courage lately.  A soldier on the front lines battling the enemy is courageous.  An activist standing up for their beliefs and trying to make a difference in the world is courageous.  How about a peace corp worker traveling to a foreign land to bring hope to the suffering...wow...that is courage.  Most days I feel like a lumpy well used chair that sits in the corner and longs to just be comfortable.  This very morning I came face to face with courage from a very unusual source...my 8 year old son.

Grant lives his days governed by well established self imposed routines.  He likes his shoes put away in the basket, TV remotes on the cofeetable, doors shut, fans on...think you got the picture.  He has been out of school for the last 3 weeks for winter break and this morning he had to go back to class.  Last night as we prayed before bed he completely covered his brother asking God "to watch over Jake when he goes to school and help him do the right thing."  He made a point of leaving himself out of the prayers because he was staying home with Mommy.  After hanging up the phone with Teen this morning at 7:00 I cuddled with both boys.  Grant quietly asked me, "Mom, I am not going to school?"  I told him it was Monday and that he had to go back to school.  His worst nightmare had become a reality and his face crinkled up as he raged..."Noooooooooooooooo!"  I calmed him down and told him that we would just go downstairs and take a bath and eat breakfast.  He was unusually quiet during the rest of the morning and then he came up to me in the kitchen and said,  "Mom, I am going to do the right thing and listen to my teacher today."  When I dropped him off this morning he leaned in and asked me to blow him a kiss before he closed the car door. 

As I drove back home I realized I had seen courage in action.  The challenges that Grant faces at school are sometimes frightening to him.  He still asks me everyday if there is going to be a tornado drill because the nightmare of the last one still lingers.  He does not want to go to school because it is going to be hard and his teachers are going to push him out of his comfort zone.  They want him to realize his full potential and use his gifts each and everyday.  I could see the fear on Grant's face when he knew that he had to go this morning, but I also witnessed the transformation in him as he made a choice to step out and do the right thing.  In making that decision Grant reminded me that Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

Some days it is hard to not feel overwhelmed by the tasks that are set before us.  Like Grant I want to cry out and stay inside my house where it is safe and warm.  God cannot use us when we refuse to walk forward in faith.  All day today I will be thinking about Grant and sending him thoughts of love.  When I go to pick him up I will make sure he knows how proud I am of him.  Just imagine how much God rejoices when we do the right thing.  Thank you my sweet boy for always showing me how to live with courage.


Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you or forsake you.

                                                                                       Deuteronomy 31:6




Grant hanging out with cousin Allie



HEAVENLY MESSAGES

My first few weeks of teaching has been an adventure.  I have met some unique individuals tirelessly working to educate young people.  Relationships and bonds have been formed that I only hope will last for a very long time.  I could spend hours describing the students that comprise my language arts and public speaking classes.  My world had become very small over the years, but in an instant the blinds were opened and  sunlight filled my soul. The spark of creativity and passion flickers just a little brighter as I take on this new challenge. 

The amount of new information that has been thrown at me seriously has made me wonder what the heck I am doing.  One day I forgot my key and was locked out of my classroom and then I went to make copies only to forget the 5 digit code that had been given to me the day before.  State curriculum guides, lesson plans, the names of 90 students and an enormous faculty, team meetings, parent conferences...and I have only been working 2 weeks!!!   I still chuckle to myself when I think about me wandering around the school pretending that I actually know where I am going.  I work on the 7th grade hall and the design is a big circle so even if you take a wrong turn somehow you will end up back where you started.  One day I got lost coming back from the cafeteria and I ended up at the gym.  Immediately I started to think of the lie I could create if I ran into another teacher.  "Just checking out the school...everything looks good."  All of a sudden I noticed blocks of color that had been painted on the wall that had quotes on them.  One in particular caught my eye..."Don't Ever Give Up!"  -Jim Valvano 

Seriously!!!  I have never seen that quote written on the wall of any school where I have visited.  And yet, I ended up working at the very middle school in North Carolina that has it boldly painted for all to see.  Once again I was reminded of the fact that God's timing is so perfect.  We need not worry about our path or journey, but only continue to surrender our will.  And if by chance, like me, you get a little turned around...I promise there are signs always available to point you in the right direction. Most days I find a reason to walk by that quote and I cannot help but smile, look upward, and quietly whisper, "Okay, Dad I got it."  My load always seems just a little bit lighter because I know I am never alone.

Are you listening?

SECOND CHANCES

Do you believe in second chances?  Have you walked so far down a certain path that you feel that there is no going back?  Relationships have been lost, opportunities gone, and hurts so deep that you doubt they can heal.  I would put my self in the category of part-time believer.  I have always talked a good game, but moments of darkness and worry seemed to take over whenever I truly examined my situation. 

Had I never seen the glow of the sun's rays brightening the morning sky?  As I drove to my new employee orientation it was if everything was new to me.  After 10 years as a stay at home mom and the past 5 years battling to get well...I was embarking on a new journey.  To the average person becoming a middle school teacher might seem like no big deal, but to me it was nothing short of a miracle that a brand new chapter of my life was starting.  I gathered my notebooks, pens, and put on my "professional face" but the moment before I opened the car door the emotion washed over me like a tumultuous wave.  How had I gotten here? 

When I no longer had the answers to the questions and concerns in my life...
When I stopped trying to figure out everything and maintain control.....
When I embraced hope and faith without having to know where those blessings would lead me.....
When I got out of the driver's seat and humbled myself before the Creator of everything.....
When I accepted that God loved me and allowed His grace to enter my life....
When I let go of the past hurts, ideas, and failures....
When I started to live in the 24 hours that I had been given...

Only then could I see the beauty and feel the warmth of the magical sun that had always been in view.  We serve a God of second changes.  He likes nothing better than to take something that we think is dead and buried and breathe new life into our existence.  In my case, he deserves all the glory....but revel in the joy that is mine.

Me on my first day of school...that is my lunch!