Rejection hurts. Through painful life experiences we learn that we are unworthy, inadequate, substandard. There have been moments in my life when individuals have spoken words of shame over me. The negative thoughts we allow to run through our own minds can be more harmful than what others heap upon us. I am not beautiful enough, my cooking stinks, my parenting skills are weak, I lack discipline to get into shape, I have no talent, nobody will ever love me... Is there an off switch to my own defeatist thinking?
My devoted family and friends will support the ugly truth that I tend to not only listen and believe the gloomy recordings in my mind, but I marinate in the very musings that do nothing but bring me down. When I was going through cancer treatment, I can recall my oncologist stating with power in his voice, "you will get to hold your grandchildren in your arms." One would think that statement would provide hope during my struggle, but instead I remembered my father's battle with the very same disease, and felt my doctor was mistaken. For years I faced the challenges of my treatment, without ever tasting the victory. That pattern has been relived again and again as I climb over the obstacles every human faces, but fail to take time to experience the unclaimed joys.
In a few weeks, I will be turning 42! I WANT to celebrate, but fear that I just don't have it in me. Why you ask? I can think of one word that haunts me... ACCEPTANCE. I have been waiting for the world to love me. Counting the minutes until all of MY silly dreams come to fruition. Piling up the hurts and failures until I am gasping for a breath of freedom. Some days the only thing that keeps me moving forward, is the bond I cherish with my two children. Many of you reading this blog might be shaking your head in agreement, but this is where I tend to lose you...when I talk about Jesus. But before you hit delete...give me just a moment.
Here is the cold and nasty truth. The world is not designed to fulfill our needs and desires. We cannot find our worth or acceptance in another human being. We cannot compare our journey with our neighbor or even trust our own thoughts to shape how we feel about ourselves. The God that created EVERYTHING loves ME and YOU. As I read the bible, I have to replace His truth with my lies. I am the one with the problem here because I refuse to ACCEPT and receive the gifts that He has offered. I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I am loved, I am healed, I am forgiven, I am worthy. If you don't see me that way (or if I don't see myself that way) than I am not looking through the eyes of my Creator.
