Summer 1988
I squinted into
the blazing sun from the deck of our beach house and smiled smugly. The eighties had been kind to me. I stood at 5’9”, sixteen years old, sporting
a pair of double D’s threatening to escape the top of my bathing suit. My dark
hair was a mass of curls that hung down past my shoulders and survived the
endless onslaught of teasing and hairspray. Thanks to my Italian heritage my
skin was tanned to a golden brown. I drove a brand new candy apple red car, had
a steady boyfriend, and parents that spoiled me. I fantasized about becoming a beauty pageant
contestant and using my talent as a public speaker to change the world. I had always been bigger than the other girls
and continued to struggle with my weight and self- image, but I was certain the
next diet I tried would do the trick. My
endless pursuit of perfection was the only aspect of my teenage life that I
could control, and so it became my obsession.
In the distance I
could see my father sitting on the beach.
He would spend hours plopped down on a chair reading some enormous book
of poetry, art, sports, or whatever interested him at the moment. He refused to wear sunglasses and would hunch
over the pages and squint uncomfortably struggling to read the words in front
of him. My sisters sat close by watching
and waiting until the sweat began to puddle on the pages and smear the
words. It was at that moment when he
would suddenly jump up and race toward the ocean. We would attack him in the
waves splashing and laughing as we all soaked up his warmth. I noticed my mother trying hard to balance
the enormous bag of food, drinks, and towels she was carrying down the long
staircase that led to the sand. She distanced
herself outside of our circle of fun as if something was holding her back. She
could never compete with the star of the family, and so meeting the needs of
others gave shape to the minutes of her existence. Always the caretaker, she prepared our favorite
tuna fish sandwiches including a bag of chips and a soda for each of us.
My boyfriend
gently touched my back as we walked hand in hand toward the promise of the day
giggling over the few stolen kisses we had shared the night before.
I could feel his adoration as our eyes met. I was living my teenage dream and I somehow felt as if I
deserved it all. I eagerly awaited the action filled scenes in my own coming of age adventure. I was
young, beautiful, cherished, and destined for greatness.
I could have never imagined as I
walked with ease into the summer sun that it would all be taken away.
Missing you today Dad xoxoxox
