CAN DO ATTITUDE

I am a dreamer and I can come up with a million magical ideas.  I spend hours making plans, lists, and rambling on about my visions.  The energy flows though me and I feel so powerful and alive...that is until I actually have to do something.  The ability to imagine greatness is a gift, but eventually I have to put things in motion and that is when I fall apart.   


We all need someone in our world that sees through the BS.  Sure it's great to have a cheerleader in your corner, but eventually they will tire of shouting for you if you never actually get in the game.  My friend Christine is a doer.  I call her MacGyver after that television character that could build a bomb out of a piece of chewing gum and string.  I have not found much that Teen cannot accomplish.  I have come to the conclusion that I am her daily Sudoku puzzle or Rubik's cube.  Solving my complex dilemmas keeps her mentally sharp.  Sometimes I hate that she knows me so well and I often get a little testy because she is right like 99.9% of the time.  She sees in me qualities that have yet to come to the surface and pushes me to stretch beyond my self imposed limits.  Whenever I am whining about having too much to do she quietly says, "Jamie you can do more than one thing at a time."  I am always making excuses about why I cannot fit this or that into my jam packed schedule and she whispers, "If you REALLY wanted to do it you would find a way."  When I was having a hard time staying focused I made a list of all I wanted to get done in the weeks ahead and emailed it to her.  Every so often she would gently remind me of what had not been completed.  Just last week we were able to celebrate because the last task had been checked off (just to let you know there were only 10 things I needed to do...).  At this very moment you probably are wondering why the heck she is my friend.  Sometimes you just have to accept your good fortune and don't ask questions. 

We all need friends and each one of them bless our lives in different ways.  Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you.  Individuals that love you for who you are and encourage you to be all that you can be (no I am not asking you to enlist in the Army).  I am done beating myself up for my shortcomings.  I have a mental Rolodex in my mind that I shuffle through whenever I need some help.  When I need to get moving I use my secret weapon named Teen Teen to hold me accountable.  Need a prayer...call on my friends Heidi or Lisa.  Trying to solve an issue with the children...LeeAnn and Beau to the rescue.  Laughter and girl bonding...Laura and Chrissy are right around the corner.    A walking partner that always puts a smile on my face...have no fear Jen is here.  Last but not least my partner in everything...big sis Nicole can always talk me down from the ledge.  The list goes on and on of people that enrich my world in countless ways. 

Take a look around you...when you are faced with a battle make sure the people that you bring to the front line have your back. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....Philippians 4:13

DANCING IN THE RAIN

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN....

A heavy rain was falling last night as we stood on the front porch watching the droplets being emptied onto the earth.  Grant began to giggle as the wind blew a fine mist into his face.  He took a few tentative steps out from under the covering of the roof only to make a quick retreat. The look of simple pleasure on his face made us feel we were witnessing something magical.  Jake coaxed him down the steps and he opened his mouth to catch the moisture on his tongue.  He held out his hands palms facing towards the sky as he soaked in the water like a thirsty flower.  In a flash the boys were running around the yard jumping into puddles with pure abandonement.  There might have been a time when I would have worried about them getting dirty, sick, or tracking water into the house...but now I watched their joy and was filled with awe.  Oh how I wish I could have bottled that moment to serve as a reminder that storms come and go but we CAN choose how to live in the midst of the struggle.

Are you experiencing a storm in your own life?  Do pain and worry weigh so heavily on you that you wonder how to survive?  Maybe nothing that serious is swirling around, but you are just sort of existing without passion and delight.  I do believe that miraculous healing and instant solutions can occur in the blink of an eye.  Many times, however, we have to walk through the trial.  The lessons we learn as we travel the rocky road strengthen our faith and reveal deeper lessons that were once hidden.  We don't have to move forward with our head down refusing to smile until we get our breakthrough.  Adopt the posture that Grant so perfectly revealed to me.  Look toward the heavens, close your eyes, surrender your will, and be cleansed by grace.  Don't worry about getting wet or dirty...life is messy.  Find someone that will dance and splash with you though life's tempests. Make up your mind that you will not give up until you see the beautiful rainbow on the other side.



My Puddle Jumpers



ALL ABOUT ME

Recently someone I love questioned why I would want to put my "dirty laundry" on the Internet for all to read.  Do I believe I am somebody special and therefore deserve your attention?  Perhaps I need the praise from other people to feel good about myself?  Maybe I am just lonely.  All of these are plausible incentives for my blogging. But I hope that you will consider that there is a deeper personal reason for me opening up my very soul to you. 

I look around and see a hurting world.  People in need of encouragement, hope, and a sense that they are not alone.  There have been numerous times in the past 38 years when I have been brought to my knees and simply screamed out to God, "why me?"  In an effort to make sense of the senseless I pray, read the bible, talk to friends and family, and I write.  Putting the deepest desires and questions of my heart into words somehow allows me to be free. 

One of the women in my cancer support group suggested that I adopt a mantra or chant that I can repeat in my mind when fear overcomes me.  Waiting for a doctor to give me a diagnosis, trying to relax in the MRI torture chamber, or sitting in a chair while the chemotherapy dripped into my veins all proved to me that I desperately needed to escape reality and soar to a different place.  I love every word in Psalm 118...and this one sentence began to direct my every step:

I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done. 

I am alive today and now it is time for me to share with anyone that is willing to listen what I have learned during my journey.  It does not matter if anyone reads my words or is even touched by the sentiment.  I am being obedient...plain and simple.  My family always teases me because I have a horrible habit of making everything about me.  Each of us views the world through our own eyes but I am working hard to catch eternal glimpses through my daily walk.  Although it certainly would seem that my posts are all about me, I pray that through my experiences you see that I am not the one in control. 

He will always light our path....

GOD MEMO

My sister has a friend that uses the term "God Memo" to describe a moment when you feel like God is speaking directly to you.  I am sorry if you find this post over the top, but I have to share.  I feel like Moses in the desert seeing the burning bush and walking on holy ground.  Except I am just me (not a great prophet) and God spoke directly to me through a copier machine at Kinkos...but those are just minor details.

This poor elderly gentleman was taking forever at the only black and white copier in service.  He had no idea what he was doing and I waited not so patiently for my turn.  Once he was finished making his five copies he paid and walked out into the sunlight of the day.  I noticed he had left a copy behind in the machine and walked over to throw it away, but something made me stop and read it (is that wrong?). I cannot speak to the authenticity of this letter, but I have been forever touched by the spirit expressed through the words.  As a mother of two boys it captures perfectly what is in my heart for them.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  I apologize if anyone feels this is an invasion of privacy. 

Hello Christian,

I am so glad to have the opportunity to write you this little note and put together this book for you. 

First of all, I would like to say HAPPY 13TH BIRTHDAY!!!....You are now officially a teenager and growing steadily into manhood.

I want to say that I am very proud of you Christian and I am soooooo happy to have you as my son.  In my heart I always wanted a son and the Lord was gracious enough to give me one and for that I am truly grateful.

I am not just proud of you for the things that you do or don't do...I am proud of you just because you are you...nothing more, nothing less.  You are an extremely kind person with a big heart full of love and compassion toward people...You get that from your mom....I could not have asked for a better son than you Christian.

Now that you are getting older, I didn't want to just give you something that I could buy at the store but rather something that you could use and take with you for the rest of your life....something that you could meditate on in the good and bad times that would bring you joy and victory in life.

So, I decided to write you a few prayers that you could read from time to time.  Christian, as life goes on you will face many temptations, challenges, and situations that can make a big difference in your life dependent upon how you handle them.  I want to make sure you make Godly decisions.

In the book of Psalm 119:9 it says, "How can a young person stay pure?  By obeying your word."  Where can you find the strength and wisdom to face life's challenges?  By reading God's Word and doing what it says.  Christian, if you follow those instructions I can GUARANTEE you that you will without a doubt have a successful life and most importantly...you will please Jesus Christ which is the greatest thing you could ever do.  Having a personal relationship with the Lord is the foundation of life itself and will assure you of unspeakable joy deep down on the inside.

In this book you will find some prayers that deal with your personal identity in Jesus.  Two of the most important things in life that you must know is that first...God loves you unconditionally with a love that is beyond human comprehension and second God wants you to know who you are in His eyes.  Christian, you are a king, a royal priesthood, a son of God, and friend of God.

Christian, I ask that you would look over these prayers and pray them either verbatim or create your own personal prayers to the Lord. He loves you and wants to know your deepest feelings so never be shy in communing with Him.  God is for you and will NEVER    leave you or forsake you.  He cares about EVERY single facet of your life and nothing is ever too big or too small for Him to handle.  Christian, God wants to develop you into a great Man of God.

As your Dad, I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.  I believe in you and I believe that you have greatness inside of you.  I believe that you can achieve ANYTHING  in life that you desire if you trust in the Lord to help you fulfill that goal.  You were put here on earth to fulfill God's will and do some great things.  From the time you were born I knew that God had His hand on your life and has great plans for you to ultimately glorify His name.  So Christian, open up your heart to the Lord and let Him fill you with His love until it overflows.

I Love You Big Guy,

Daddy

We love our boys!

I'M A SURVIVOR

I am a breast cancer survivor.  I can wear a pink ribbon.  I can walk in a race and have SURVIVOR written on my shirt.  My scars prove that I have been through a battle.  If you want me to I can spin a tale that will make you so sad that you might feel like giving up.  But why in the world would I do that?  How cruel to share my own personal horrors just so I don't have to feel alone?  Misery certainly does love company, but I would rather use my voice for good.

Every single person alive today is a survivor.  Perhaps you were raised in a family with alcoholism, abuse, or neglect.  You have suffered an illness, death of a loved one, or loss of a dream.  You are a soldier that has lived through war, a parent dealing with a struggling child, or a child watching a parent's health decline.  Infertility, unemployment, divorce, betrayal, depression.....the list is endless.  Unlike me, your scars may be hidden from the rest of the world.  There are no fundraisers or ribbons that celebrate the truth of what you have faced, but there is something you can do with your experience.

One of the most profound relationships I have had in my adult life came to me after I became a cancer patient.  Through my church I met a woman that had been diagnosed with breast cancer over a decade ago. Her road to recovery had been difficult. In fact, the doctors said her cancer was incurable.  Although she may have wanted to simply forget, she allowed her pain to be brought to the surface not for her own benefit... but for mine.

Gioia is a little Italian spitfire from Long Island, New York.  She could have been an honorary Valvano and quickly became my most trusted confidante.  She listened to my fears, but never allowed me to wallow in misery.  She understood me even when I was unable to put words to the emotions.  Our shared love for Christ was the best part of our friendship, but a close second was our ability to laugh.  Like when I left my prosthesis aka "swim boobs" at her beach house and we had to call the real estate guy to go get them and mail them back to my house.  Now that is hot.  And the time when I was going through my reconstruction and I let everyone feel me up during our support group meeting.  Hmmmm...good times!   You get a bunch of church ladies together that are going through cancer and things can get CRAZY.  I know without a doubt I could not have gotten through the last 5 years without her family. 

You have the opportunity to be what Gioia was for me to someone in need.  Take the most horrible thing that has ever happened to you and celebrate the fact that you walked through it and left it behind. Then use your victory to encourage someone.  When you use your "stuff" to help others you are the one that is blessed.  You begin to feel more hopeful about your own life.  Picture yourself like Rocky Balboa in that scene where he climbs a flight of like a million stairs.  After finally reaching the top,  you jump up and down with fists pumping high above your head.  You not only survived but you conquered and now you plan to make sure that nobody falls on their way to the top.  There are people all around you searching for a reason to hope...a way to survive...a person just like you.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up....1Th 5:11

MY SOURCE

Yesterday I was talking to a wise counselor and trying to figure a way out of my latest mess. She said something that took me by surprise..."Jamie, you are going to be okay, because God is your source for everything."  Tears welled up in my eyes, a chill ran down my spine, and finally I felt as if I could take a deep breath.

People often comment that I am a strong person because I have faced tragedy.  I smile outwardly, but inside I am laughing because I know the truth.  I am a wimp and if I were able to I would wallow in self-pity most days.  Someone early in my life planted a seed of faith and over time it has grown and God won't allow me to live in ignorance any longer.  When I am in trouble I know where I need to go for comfort.  I have tested God and He has never failed me.

We are all looking for something.  We are all in need.  Some people look to personal relationships to make them complete.  Perhaps your position at work gives you a sense of power.  Maybe the money you have earned allows you to feel successful.  Your beautiful outward appearance gets you noticed wherever you go.  The size and shape of your muscles serves as a tangible example of your strength.  Being popular and well liked gives you a high.  You find self worth when your children and spouse are thriving. What happens if it all falls apart?  Let's say your spouse leaves you, you become unemployed and struggle to pay the bills, an illness robs you of your health, the bloom of youth fades, a close friend betrays you, or one of your children begins to struggle and gets off course.  I have faced all of these and learned that NOTHING of this world has the power to destroy you. Every thing around you is temporary and it will change in the blink of an eye.

Today, I just want to plant a seed in you.  Spend some time thinking about where you find power.  What keeps you moving when you become discouraged?  What would you do if that was gone?  Where would you go next?  Don't keep visiting an empty well when you are thirsty....make sure your source has the ability to sustain your life.  I have suffered great loss over the years, but what remains will last me a lifetime and beyond.

Let your light shine!!!

 

WHERE IS YOUR HEART?

My boys gave me a little porcelain box for Mother's Day a few years ago.  On the top there is a beautiful heart and written underneath is verse Luke 12:34...Where your treasure is, there also is your heart.  I suppose the purpose of the box is for me to store my precious trinkets so they will not get lost.  Life is so complicated these days it is certainly hard to keep track of the things we value most. We get so caught up in daily chores that we forget why we do what we do.  Sacrifices need to be made and the dreams we once had for ourselves are set aside.  Foolishly we believe there will be time later to discover the hidden gems in this world. 

My sister Nicole has the heart of an athlete.  She is super competitive and becomes so focused on the task of winning that sometimes it scares me to play a board game with her. She may be small but she is mighty and I have never known her to back down from a challenge.  My little sister LeeAnn is a born nurturer. When I am with her I just want to crawl into her lap for a cuddle.  The fact that I am quite a bit bigger than her makes that impossible, but after we spend time together I feel loved and nourished.  Beau, her husband, has a special talent for music.  His creative nature helps him communicate through his songs and he possesses an inspiring power over the children that he instructs.  My friend, Laura, loves through food.  She bakes cakes, prepares meals for others, and delivers meals on wheels once a week.  Dinner at her house is like an episode of Top Chef.  She has a talent and flair for cooking and uses it to take care of others.  Lisa is a natural teacher and her patience and spirit allow the children in her class to blossom and grow. Her students are so lucky because she is dedicated to each and every one of them.  These are just a few examples of people in my life that use their essence to bless those around them.

Why is it always easier for others to see the sparkle in us?  Whenever I seem to lose my way my friends and family help me rediscover the me I want to be.  I don't want to tuck away my gifts out of insecurity.  What if I am not good enough?  If I boldly follow my heart will others judge or disagree with my choices? Should I wait until I am perfect before I step out?  What a relief that I have learned that I don't have to be anything other than who God intended me to be.  The real prize of life can be found not by obtaining anything but by giving all of our treasures away. 

NO EXCUSE FOR ME

"Jake, can you put your ice cream bowl in the sink?"  No comment from Jake although I know he heard me.  Passing by to put some laundry in the washing machine...I notice the bowl still on the coffee table.  "Jake, I asked you to put the bowl in the sink."  Jake walks over and puts the bowl on the counter and returns to the
couch to watch his show.  Exiting the laundry room, I notice the dirty bowl is now on the counter no where near the sink.  "Jake, I told you to put the bowl in the sink."  Without looking away from the TV he says, "I did."  "No, you put it on the counter...I am looking at it right now," I reply with an impatient tone.  "Well, that is where I usually put my dirty dishes so I figured that is where you wanted the bowl."  Now I am ready for action, "if I wanted the bowl on the counter I would have asked you put it on the counter, but I said Jake can you put the bowl in the sink."  "Well, it is right by the sink, Mom, what's the big deal."  Reluctantly he gets up walks to the counter, picks up the bowl, and puts it in the sink all the way mumbling to himself as to why he did not do what I had asked of him. In the moment it is not too funny, but afterwards I always have a good laugh because the apple certainly does not fall too far from the tree. 

I have an excuse locked and loaded for anything I don't want to do.  Here are some examples:  Issue #1:  Stomach shakes when I brush my teeth.  Possible excuses:  two c-sections, medication, menopause, and genetics.  Nothing to do with eating or lack of exercise.  Issue #2:  House needs to be cleaned.  Possible excuses:  what kind of mother would I be if I spent my time cleaning instead of being with the children, it makes me sad to stay in all day and not get to see or talk to anyone (that is why I need to go to Target with my friend), and the house will just get dirty again anyway so just let it go.  Issue #3:  I need to call that person (insert a variety of names here) that has been trying to get in touch with me.  Possible excuses:  I should be spending time with my children instead of talking on the phone, my house needs to cleaned, I need to go exercise so that my stomach won't jiggle when I brush my teeth.  Wow...this all seems like just too much to do so I think I will take a break and watch a show on DVR.  And so the cycle continues of Jamie being stuck in the world of if onlys, buts, and my favorite I can't. 

Just like Jake I don't mean to be openly defiant and sometimes I manage to get close to the goal, but I can rationalize why I have to stop just short of actually doing what God has asked of me.  Perhaps it is too hard, it might require a sacrifice on my part, or I might actually have to face some difficult truths about myself.  And of course there is always a chance I will FAIL.  Why take the risk when I can live in my comfortable little world under a cozy blanket with my friends fear and denial?  Seriously, is anyone gonna fault me for taking a little break from being obedient?  I have had some tough stuff happen in my life and I just need a little break.   While I am sitting here doing nothing, however, I would still like to experience all the benefits that come with  hard work.  I desire success, joy, peace, victory, transformation, health, love, and prosperity to follow me all the days of my life.  I am ashamed that God has given me everything and yet I still make excuses for why  I cannot do what he has asked of me.  How powerful would each of us be if we walked the path that has been set before us, used the amazing gifts we possess, and refused to give anything less than everything. 

...with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26) What's your excuse?

MY PARTNER IN PRAYER

My BFF and I are going to be featured in Guideposts Magazine in October.  I sent in the article below and only a few sentences will appear with the picture so I thought I would share the entire piece here.  Hope you have a friend like Christine in your life.


(I wrote this over 2 years ago)

The mornings were the hardest.  As I struggled to get out of bed, I caught a glimpse of a reflection in the mirror over the dresser.  The woman I saw before me was a stranger.  A bald head appeared where dark, curly hair once had grown.  She looked older and thinner than the young mother I remembered.  Her eyes were lifeless and her sorrowful expression made me want to cry.  My haziness cleared and in an instant the truth washed over me.  Next came the fear as I realized that the world I had known had been torn apart.  The darkness so overwhelmed me that I was unable to see the light of hope.

In September 2005, at the age of 33, I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Months of surgery and treatment were now behind me, but grief and sadness were my constant companions.  I could barely find the strength to get out of bed much less be a wife or mother to my two small boys.  I was desperate for prayer, but found it impossible to quiet my mind long enough to even articulate my needs.  My distress made me bold, and I asked my college roommate if she would become my prayer partner. 

Christine and I shared the joys of marriage and children and she had helplessly watched as I battled to get well.  Thankful to have some tangible way to support me, she immediately said yes to my request.  I would later learn of her initial misgivings, as she doubted her ability to find the words to guide her suffering friend.  Mornings were hectic at Christine's house as she helped her two children get ready for school and also prepared for her busy day of work.  There was nothing, however, that would prevent her from calling me at 6:45 every morning.

The ringing of the phone would awaken me and the voice of my precious friend was a reminder of how much I was loved.  In the beginning, all I could do was close my eyes and the let the tears flow as she prayed for the coming day.  As I grew stronger, I began to participate voicing my own fears and praises.  We knew from reading the bible that God is present when individuals gather in His name, but we were unaware of how He would richly reward our obedience.  Many mornings Christine would share a verse and I would cry out on the other end of the phone as I found that my bible had been opened to the exact scripture.  Often we would be unable to express our own needs, and yet as we bowed our head, God would deliver the perfect words.  Christine and I knew for certain that He was fully in control.  The world around us would vanish as we eagerly anticipated the daily revelations.

Over the past 5 years, our partnership continues to bless our lives in a multitude of ways.  I have witnessed firsthand how Christine learned to surrender every area of her life and walk forward knowing God will provide.  We have prayed through job stresses, her decision to have a third child, my health issues, and concerns over marriage and motherhood.  Our eyes have been opened to the miracles in our lives as we lift them up in the early hours before the challenges of the world cause us to forget.  Some mornings we laugh, others we cry, but our minutes together continue to be life giving rather than another item to check off our "to do" list.  I am honored when she trusts me with her most private emotions.  I celebrate when her prayers are answered just as if they were my own victories.  She listens without judgement knowing that neither of us holds the answers that we seek.

Our prayer time has given me reason to believe in the promise of the future.  With the rising of the morning sun, I surrender my burdens and desires to the One that is all powerful.  This simple act has given me the freedom to live fully and love deeply.  There are still moments when I grow weary, but when I stumble my friend reaches down and pulls me up with her prayers.  The personal healing that I have experienced serves as proof of the awesome power of both friendship and prayer.  Tomorrow holds hidden discoveries yet to be found, and yet I move forward unafraid knowing I am no longer alone.

Me and Teen

WONDERFUL YOU

I had one of those moments with my son Jake yesterday when you feel like you have been punched in the stomach.  He knew I had written something about Grant on my blog and he wondered when I was going to write about him.  I laughed and shared  that I was only beginning and before it was all over he would be begging me to stop sharing his secrets.  Then he uttered the words that caused my heart to sink, "There is nothing special about me so that's probably why you cannot come up with anything."  Yikes!!!  I tell Jake on a daily basis how amazing he is but I am battling the world...a world that likes nothing better than to make us wish we could be different.  A world that delights in comparing us to others and highlighting all the ways we just don't measure up.  How can I become angry with a 10 year old when at 38 I am still trying to change who I am?

I copied parts of Psalm 139 for Jake to serve as a constant reminder that God does not create junk.  For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.   When Jake told me he did not value himself it made me feel like he was saying that I had done a poor job raising him.  I know it was not his intention, but I felt like he was throwing all my love, time, and attention back at me as if it did not matter.  That is only a fraction of the feeling that God must have when we constantly put ourselves down rather than praise and celebrate who we are and the gifts that we have been given.  I am preaching to myself here.  I don't spend a whole lot of time praising myself and the words "I can't" have become a personal mantra.

Our children are watching us everyday.  I need to start looking at myself and my sons through spiritual not worldly eyes.  As I desire to walk in the light and bring glory to God, I must be set apart from the insignificant and take hold of the holy.  Sounds good on paper, but how do we put into action?  Let your children see you praise yourself and never tire of building your children up with words of encouragement.  You might think they know how you feel, but we have to battle the negative influences that take hold of every area of their lives.  Pay attention to who you spend time with and the friends that your children keep...do these people make you feel good about yourself?  I wish I had all the answers, but I am learning as I go.
Let's start with allowing one truth to take root in our souls....WE ARE WONDERFUL!  

My wonderful son enjoying his favorite soda!

STOP TALKING

I am a verbal person.  I love to talk.  I like the sound of my own voice telling various people the same stories over and over again.   I don't even need you to comment.  In fact, if you want to put the phone on mute or begin to mentally prepare your weekly shopping list that is fine with me. All I really need you to do is agree with everything I say.  Sometimes I might actually have some kernel of wisdom to share with you, but for the most part I just want to complain.  If by chance I actually stumble upon a solution to an issue I am wrestling with it hardly has time to settle in before I am off to find the next victim that must endure my futile ramblings.  All of this was working great for me until my 7 year old son decided to put a stop to this nonsense.

Let me introduce you to my son, Grant Matthew Howard.  He is the most unique, frustrating, lovable person in my world.  He suffered a stroke when I was pregnant with him and as a result he has been labeled with a variety of medical conditions.  To say that he marches to the beat of a different drummer doesn't begin to capture his personality.  His dark black hair resembles the pelt from some wild animal that never gets wet and refuses to be tamed by any traditional grooming aid.  Dark eyes fringed with thick, black lashes express the million emotions that he struggles to put into words.  His toothy grin resembles Sponge Bob Square Pants (those of you with children will get that reference) and will most definitely require braces.  I just love his nose..it looks like a little cherry sitting in the middle of his face.  If I had to come up with one word to capture his essence it would be STUBBORN.  Whenever I am trying to have a teachable moment and explain something super essential to his development he brings his face close to mine, takes his little hand and covers my mouth, and states simply, "Mom- stop talking."  The first time he did this I was so stunned I did not know how to respond.  Had he been openly disrespectful and said "shut up" I would have been angry.  But he was just tired of hearing me lecture and wanted me quiet.  Hmmmm.....it made me think for a minute.  What would happen if I was not able to express all the crazy musings that constantly run through my mind?  What if...now I am just wondering here...but what if I actually spent some time in silence everyday...maybe even prayed or wrote my thoughts in a journal...sifted through the rubble and only spoke the words that had survived.  Would I discover that the answers to many of my questions had been inside of me waiting to be heard?

Grant has given me the permission to embark on this radical experiment.  Can I really think before I speak?  There are many reasons why we must communicate with others but honestly I don't think it is to have our every thought, desire, and frustration expressed.  I say all the time that I would never want to be my friend because it is way to exhausting.  I don't want to talk AT my children, friends, and family.  I truly want to hear what you have to say and I want both of us to go away feeling good about the time we have spent together.  I am certain there are hidden treasures wanting to break free as I begin to listen to my inner voice. Spoken words have power and I want mine to encourage, heal, and bless.

 If you find yourself talking to me and your eyes start to glaze over and you think to yourself, "here she goes again" I give you permission to put your hand over my constantly moving mouth and quietly whisper to me, "Jamie, stop talking."  Silence is my new best friend and I believe she has some things that she wants to say....are you listening?  

My boy full of joy

 

A GOOD MORNING

Once again I find myself in an all too familiar position in life...dealing with loss and pain.  I would like to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I would like to have a full out temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming.  Although these are certainly options for how to start my day...what I really want is peace.  I have this little conversation with God that goes something like this...."Alright God, I lost my father to cancer when I was 20 and you turned that sadness to joy.  I sat in The V Foundation office yesterday and saw my Uncle Nick (my dad's older brother) get misty as he announced we had raised $100 million for cancer research.  Good job there God.  Okay, so then I have a child born with special needs and deal with that constant struggle.  Last night while putting Grant to bed he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I love you Mom."  He is such a joy and growing and learning in so many ways.  You have used him, God, as a daily reminder of how miracles happen everyday if we just open our eyes.  High Five to you on that one...doing a good job there.  But then there is my cancer..breast cancer at 33...really.  5 years I have spent having surgeries and treatments and now I have to live under the constant shadow of this disease.  Okay...I admit it I am stronger in so many ways and the joy that comes from being healthy is something I do not take for granted.  Those things are all in the past Lord and although I am really, really grateful...what are you going to do for me today?"  I cannot believe that I actually shared that twisted conversation that took place this very morning with little me and the creator of EVERYTHING.  I am ashamed to admit that even though God has done mighty things for me in the past as I deal with the hardships of the day I grow restless and tired and want something done NOW.  In truth I don't want something done...I want what I want done.  How stupid of me to think that the only way to find peace is for me to get what I want.  God has taught me over and over that HIS way is most perfect even if I don't always understand why I must travel down this bumpy road.

Romans 8:28 is often quoted when we are faced with hard times.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  I want this verse to prove that I will never have to face anything bad since I love God, but what it shows is that God can take even the darkest times in our lives and produce good.  How can anything praiseworthy come from having cancer, losing a parent, or raising a handicapped child?  And yet, I could spend hours telling you about the blessings that have come from those very circumstances.  I have a choice to make as I begin each day.  Will I feel sorry for myself because everything in my life is not working out according to my plan OR will I fall to my knees and praise God thankful that I am not the one in control of this crazy mess?  Deep down inside what I really want is peace and the joy that comes from knowing that I will be taken care of no matter what happens.  Today I choose to walk in faith, use my gifts to bless others, show gratitude for my many blessings, and believe that a mighty victory is to come.  It is a very good morning...

TRASH DAY

Thursdays are trash day for my home.  The day before I love going from room to room and gathering all the garbage.  I go through the fridge and discard all the uneaten meals.  Grocery lists, invitations for events passed, papers from schools, expired coupons all gone. I roll the garbage can out to the curb and walk away confident that I won't have to deal with that stuff again...out with the old and in with the new.  As I hear the rumble of the garbage truck in the early hours of the morning I smile praising myself for being so efficient and organized. 

I confess that I am intrigued by the show Hoarders.  These poor people living under mounds of trash and filth in their homes.  The people emotionally breakdown if they have to let go of their bottle cap collections or throw away food that has spoiled.  I honestly never understood why I liked the show, but after each episode I can turn off the television and be happy that at least I don't have that problem.  Photos and cards are really the only things that I collect and I am constantly at odds with my 10 year old son when his Pokemon cards, books, glass figurines, Lego men, pens, erasers, silly bandz, explode all over the house.  It is not as if he uses any of those things on a daily basis so why does he need all of it?

After much soul searching I have come to a painful but accurate conclusion...I am an emotional hoarder.  I have spent the years of my life gathering pain, failure, disappointment, loss, and depression.  These feelings serve as my constant companions and shape the way I live my life.  If  you are unfortunate enough to find yourself serving as a member of my support system you can no doubt attest to the amount of time I spend reliving the heartaches of my past.  Don't get me wrong you have to feel what is going in your life. You cannot shove it down and not deal with reality, but when is it time to move on?  At what moment do you say to yourself "that sucks" and throw the experience away?  There is no room for hope, laughter, and light to grow in our souls when we remain stuck in the pain of the past. 

The apostle Paul had some great advice to share on this subject when he wrote to the Philippians.  In essence he said I have not fully been able to reach my goal of living in total surrender but he says one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Feel it, grieve it, learn from it, and then let it go.  Just like I so easily throw away unwanted items into the trash and allow them to be hauled away never to think on them again...if I want to live in peace and victory I have to stop holding on to the things of the past that keep me stuck in this emotional roller coaster.

Today is trash day and I think I will go fill up the can with some pain, discouragement, fear, weakness, negative thinking, jealousy, anger, and hurt.  And I will press on...

5 YEAR CELEBRATION!!!

I had been thinking long and hard about what I should do to mark my 5 years as a breast cancer survivor. 5 years ago I had been training to walk a half marathon with my sister Nicole and my best friend Christine.  We had spent many hours walking around a local lake building our endurance, sharing our struggles, and mostly laughing at each other.  I cannot even remember why I was competing in the race, but I am sure it had something to do with looking better or losing weight.  Then I felt "the lump" and my life was turned upside down and inside out. There is an endless list of ways in which my life has been changed by cancer, but this blog is about rejoicing where I am today and looking forward to my future.  When Lisa Miller, my college roommate, told me she was competing in the same race I had been training for years ago I knew exactly how I was going to spend this important anniversary.

First let me start by saying I am not an athlete.  I have had about 5 surgeries over the past 5 years, gained and lost a bunch of weight from medication and treatment (and overeating), entered into menopause, battle the blahs on a daily basis...and did I mention that I am not in the best of shape.  Christine and I started our "training" a couple of months ago with a goal that we would be able to walk a 1/2 marathon in about 3 hours.  We did our best to stay motivated but of course kids, sickness, work, and life gets in the way of our best intentions.  We left for Virginia Beach last weekend and arrived at the Millers house on Saturday to pick up or race packets.  It was so exciting as we walked around the expo pretending to know what all the products and potions were being promoted to all the runners.  We bought a few cute t-shirts for ourselves and then rushed back home so we could get in our prerace meal...we were ready to carb overload.

I was in bed trying to sleep but had left home with the beginning of a cold and was up coughing and worrying about being too sick to finish the race the next day.  We arrived at the Rock'n'Roll VA Beach 1/2 marathon along with 20,000 other participants.  Based on our time we were put in a flight and we waited until it was our time to take off and start walking.  Lisa, Teen, and I were planning on walking together but for some reason I put on my music and just kind of went into a zone.  I spent much of the time observing all the participants around me.  Fathers pushing their handicapped children in strollers, a man with one leg hopping on crutches, groups of people in matching shirts walking in honor/memory of a loved one, and couples holding hands.  There was pain, loss, and victory all around me...and together we walked forward toward the finish.  At about mile 7 something happened to me and I started to run (slowly) and just kept moving forward....there was no reason for it other than the fact that I wanted to show myself that I was strong.

Teen, Lisa, and Me

I finished the race in a little over 3 hours and I am not sure if I can put into words how I felt when the medal was placed around my neck...part of me broke free.  I said goodbye to the patient, the victim, the scared little girl that is always waiting for the next bad thing.  I have to leave her behind if I am going to finish the race that God has set before me.  I thank God for the lessons I have learned, the people that I have the privilege to love, and the support that I continue to receive from my precious friends and family.  I honestly don't know were I am headed...but for the first time in a very long while I have chosen to let go...one foot in front of the other...walking forward...at times slowly...sometimes strong enough to run...but always looking up.