A GOOD MORNING

Once again I find myself in an all too familiar position in life...dealing with loss and pain.  I would like to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I would like to have a full out temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming.  Although these are certainly options for how to start my day...what I really want is peace.  I have this little conversation with God that goes something like this...."Alright God, I lost my father to cancer when I was 20 and you turned that sadness to joy.  I sat in The V Foundation office yesterday and saw my Uncle Nick (my dad's older brother) get misty as he announced we had raised $100 million for cancer research.  Good job there God.  Okay, so then I have a child born with special needs and deal with that constant struggle.  Last night while putting Grant to bed he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I love you Mom."  He is such a joy and growing and learning in so many ways.  You have used him, God, as a daily reminder of how miracles happen everyday if we just open our eyes.  High Five to you on that one...doing a good job there.  But then there is my cancer..breast cancer at 33...really.  5 years I have spent having surgeries and treatments and now I have to live under the constant shadow of this disease.  Okay...I admit it I am stronger in so many ways and the joy that comes from being healthy is something I do not take for granted.  Those things are all in the past Lord and although I am really, really grateful...what are you going to do for me today?"  I cannot believe that I actually shared that twisted conversation that took place this very morning with little me and the creator of EVERYTHING.  I am ashamed to admit that even though God has done mighty things for me in the past as I deal with the hardships of the day I grow restless and tired and want something done NOW.  In truth I don't want something done...I want what I want done.  How stupid of me to think that the only way to find peace is for me to get what I want.  God has taught me over and over that HIS way is most perfect even if I don't always understand why I must travel down this bumpy road.

Romans 8:28 is often quoted when we are faced with hard times.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  I want this verse to prove that I will never have to face anything bad since I love God, but what it shows is that God can take even the darkest times in our lives and produce good.  How can anything praiseworthy come from having cancer, losing a parent, or raising a handicapped child?  And yet, I could spend hours telling you about the blessings that have come from those very circumstances.  I have a choice to make as I begin each day.  Will I feel sorry for myself because everything in my life is not working out according to my plan OR will I fall to my knees and praise God thankful that I am not the one in control of this crazy mess?  Deep down inside what I really want is peace and the joy that comes from knowing that I will be taken care of no matter what happens.  Today I choose to walk in faith, use my gifts to bless others, show gratitude for my many blessings, and believe that a mighty victory is to come.  It is a very good morning...